Lived Experience Forum

[Faith-and-Hope]

I am okay @Teej, apart from some energy slumps in the last few days, but it is at the back end of doing a lot, so pressing my physical boundaries a bit.  Might rest in tomorrow, then take D2 for an outing,  she has been a bit overlooked of late.

Take courage about tomorrow ..... just step up and through it, and put it behind you, like beads on a string ..... (I know easier said than done, but once done it is past, and you are moving forward again.

Looking forward to hearing about the tick boxes when you can.

Goodnight Hon.  Hope you sleep well.

Here is the puzzle I am currently doing ..... thoughts of you not far away ..... 💜💐🤗

[Teej]

Lol @Faith-and-Hope now we are both waiting for triangles or waiting to see if iPad face kicks in first. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hahaha .... that was me with Zoe7 last night ..... bad as each other ... lol 😝 

[Teej]

I haven’t been here for a bit but have something on my mind. How do you know if a therapy is a good fit for you? 

Im still jumping hoops to see if I get into a therapy type. All I keep thinking is the what ifs? 

There is so much riding on it that has become overwhelming in itself. And this one is one that once/if I sign I’m committing for 12 months. It’s also a huge commitment of twice weekly appointments. I feel quite scared about lots of things. Would love to hear from anyone who is doing or done transference focused psychotherapy. 

Also if you have any ideas or questions that would be helpful to ask the therapist. 

[Teej]

I am heart sore and need to write this somewhere. 

Sometimes it is so hard to see the patterns and the road to recovery. Its so easy to get lost on the way. 

Last night I had a reminder from @suzanne that this was a pattern for me that I could get through. My initial response was to be really angry at that because it didn’t feel very validating and I thought she was wrong but it was probably the best thing she could have done at the time to help me connect the dots. Today I called my cc. I was so bent on her helping me with something that I thought if I understood it would help me get passed these very big ominous feelings I’ve had this week again. She was quite assertive with me and implied the same thing that Suzanne did. She told me that I was down a well and scrambling to get up and putting my hands up asking for her hand to pull me out. She told me she can’t do it and that I need to do it by myself. My initial reaction of course was feeling invalidated but I guess now I see that she is right.

I am so confused by everything. I have been told so many things about this therapy and how it would help me to let out what I am feeling and I guess being provoked at times in a controlled way. I had recently begun to understand that I could be angry with this psychologist, not because I didn’t like her but because she was so good at getting into my head and I didn’t feel like I needed to protect her. My current therapist is so gorgeous and I adore her but I can never show that part of me because I care for her. That part of the anger has been hidden since dday. It felt kind of good to know that I might be able to feel the things I’ve been pushing down so far with someone I respected but didn’t feel 'attached' to and therefore need to protect her from me. I am hurting because I’m pretty sure that isn’t going to happen now and I feel stuck in my bubble with no escape. 

Im so confused because there are so many mixed messages. Emotions love themselves, emotions aren’t the truth, thoughts are just thoughts, they are not real. The truth is that I’m stuck down this dark hole and I don’t feel like I have a way to navigate out of it because I don’t know what is real. And for the first time I am understanding that my brain will never go back to how I was before. This is my reality. Some days I am really good at making a pathway out of the dark well and sometimes I nearly make it to the top. Sometimes I slip and  fall a little way back and sometimes I fall all the way to the bottom and crash so hard that I can’t see how to save myself. I become overwhelmed and lose sight of everything. Others can see what is happening but not me. This happens without fail nearly every week and when I fall really hard it’s like I have amnesia and don’t remember anything. I hate my safety plan often and fight constantly in my head about suicide. How do you make a life when you are so unpredictable or that thinking about suicide is the predictable thing? How to you make plans or navigate or find hope when you feel so insecure and can’t see the patterns until someone points them out? 

@Sans911 I think this is what you were alluding to last night. 

@Faith-and-Hope, @CheerBear, @Appleblossom, @Former-Member. I’m not tagging for a response because I don’t honestly know why I’m writing it or what I wanted to get out of it. I know you have been here with me for a long time. As with all posts I’m good for anyone to read or comment or not, or to ask questions. I hope I haven’t offended anyone by not tagging them. To tag or not to tag that is the ? 🤨🤔 

[Sans911]

@Teej

I hope I've got this right in what I'm observing. It seems like with this new therapy you are hinging everything on it being a success, and yet you have an overwhelming fear it's not going to work, it's going to fail. You're projecting so far ahead that you're tangling yourself in knots. Do you really need to understand everything? I mean, can you just put some trust in there, take a gentle step at a time and be curious enough to see what happens? Let it unfold if it's own accord.

Why can't you share how you feel about your current therapist? She is professional enough to probably know anyway, she's likely to be flattered but also able to draw her own safe boundaries.

It seems to be you're angry because you have so many repressed feelings that don't get expressed because you tell yourself that it's not ok to do that. Being vulnerable and sharing yourself with others is difficult, but it's a wonderful strength to have. It means you trust someone enough to let them look into your heart and mind. But right now your anger stops you, and you turn that vulnerability in on itself to hurt you. This is your SI/SH punishing you for thinking this way. You don't need to protect your therapist. She is capable of that herself. Protect yourself. Draw your own boundaries for you about what us ok, and what is not. Go slowly, and gently. Over time, those boundaries can be moved, taken down a little more.

Take one step, one day at time @Teej

It's hard, I understand, because there's lots of ways I'm like you. But you have to trust the process, you have to trust the journey. Sometimes there's no answers available when you want them, which is frustrating as heck. And you have to work on patience.

Yesterday I felt incredibly invalidated and dispensable. I had to avoid driving the freeway because I was so angry I was tempted to smash my car and me. I wanted someone to hit me. Instead I took another direction, turn up Prodigy on my car stereo which thrashed the anger out. By the time I got home I sat in the driveway crying in my car. I was so sad and low. I wanted to take my life, I really did. But instead I distracted, cried more tears, distracted again, cried more tears, talked on here as a way of distraction and trying to get some perspective, cried some more, and the feeling to suicide abated because essentially I was exhausted. Pushing through the anger stopped me making an attempt. I still have SI today but it's like an unwanted friend you have that comes over and annoys you no end with her monotones on and on. Finally they leave, and you are spent. We just have to push through the anger. It doesn't last forever. When the anger has passed, you are that little closer to the top of the well. You did that yourself.

I hope this has made some sort of sense. I might be off track too. But much if this is how I am, how I feel, and what I understand about how I work. Because you are much like me, it's possible this will resonate and help.

Big hugs @Teej

Because you've also been vulnerable today. You have strengths that are amazing and beautiful. 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

[Faith-and-Hope]

I say keep talking to us about it @Teej ..... something of what is squashed down inside us comes out when we talk, and feeling embarrassed or ashamed of what seems to be coming out can stop us from following this process .... but you don’t need to feel that way here Hon - not trying to tell you what you need to feel, even though that is exactly what my words just said - but asking you to give yourself permission to ride over or through those feelings and just keep coming ..... just keep pouring things out, even if they don’t make much sense at the time .... it’s a form of emptying out all that stuff you have been suppressing for so long.

And it doesn’t have to be talked about in a way that is easy for us to understand.  Be cryptic if you like, because this is about you, and getting it all up and out instead of bottled and pickled.

💜💜💜💐💕

If this sounds too hard to think about, park it up and consider it in bits, or next week, or later whenever.

Hugs n hugs n mega-hugs ....

I had major anger issues at one stage, without realising that was what it was, and anger turns to bitterness, and bitterness turns to hatred .... and if it’s not okay according to our value system to hate anyone els, then we turn it into self hatred.  I had to be taught to spit out my anger .... to talk it out and call it what it was .... give myself permission to be angry on the outside, because I was suffering abuse and it was not okay.

The flip side was that I took on my abuser, behaved coolly towards them because they weren’t my friend in any sense, and raised big strong boundaries.   Getting the anger out was Step 1, but I had to be shown that that was what I needed to do.

[Teej]

Just got back from family tea. Didn’t think the mask would stick tonight but it did phew  😏. 

@Sans911 The issue is that I won’t get to do this therapy. I didn’t meet enough of the criteria for them to justify this therapy. As that became more obvious I knew that will be the answer on Friday and the psychologist has been distancing herself knowing that they thought I’d be a good candidate but I’m not. The areas that I don’t meet BPD criteria on is relationships. Much of this therapy is about ironing out things that interfere with relationships. I wish that you could have the opportunity for it. I feel pretty shitty about this all. 

So mask off time. The truth is I’m a chameleon. I blend into any environment. I don’t want to be truly seen but I’m part of it. I’ve never had trouble with relationships because I always blend in wearing masks and hiding from full view as to not attract attention. I don’t cause problems for people and I accept everyone for the heart I see. I value everyone and put all people on the pedestal  but hate myself. When I pull people in and become too visible I run. It might sound like it’s a good way to live but it’s not. I have no identity or sense of self or power. I give it up to everyone. I know everyone’s needs and how to meet them. I don’t know anything about myself. I have not worked or had a career and I’ve avoided and lived in fear of being exposed as weak which is what I am. I’ve always said I’m the weakest link on the forum and I am. 

The thing that happened to me took my camouflage away. I had nowhere to hide and no skills or identity left after. I have not coped since. I have pushed everyone away. My masks don’t work as well now and it’s hard to hide so I isolate. The thing is I’ve struggled to be angry at anyone but myself since dday. I know that this is the repressed anger and that it isn’t right. I lost everything through someone else’s actions and I can’t be angry at any of it. I know I should be but it’s always been a messed up emotion for me before this. I was petrified of conflict and would cower and avoid any conflict at all. I over react and my emotions are disproportionate to the events. Fear of rejection and abandonment are huge. There are other BPD traits too like all or nothing thinking but I don’t meet any criteria for the relationship stuff. I feel so guilty writing this. I feel so ashamed. 

I struggle so much when I can’t control things now to the point of total self destruction. I can’t let go of things easy and I can’t just be. I have a strange high alert switch that is different from most peoples. It’s about being seen and judged. It’s about huge amounts of shame, some of which I know is not mine but that I can’t let go of. 

I wish I had so many of your traits and strengths. 💜🤗

@Faith-and-Hope just tagged you into this as well. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Teej, you know it’s okay to live your life making other people happy if that’s what you want to do, right ?  It’s a service role, or a gift of hospitality, if you like.

If keeping to the “correct” role for the “correct” situation  is where your comfort level lies, that’s not wrong, or anything to be ashamed about .... that’s just changing hats, and we all do that in one way or another all the time.  

Mothers have playground personas, a different hat for working in the school canteen, party personality when they go out for drinks with friends, etc

Are you feeling that it’s a very different situation to that ?

The reason I am asking is because I am a chameleon in a similar way ..., an everything to everybody and fitting the mold I am given, but I do it willingly for people I care about, because I can. The anger arose when I had people determining to give me a role of their choosing and demand I fit it, then destroy all other options leaving me only their way, and controlling ng and belittling me within that cage.  Taking away my choices and providing me with something that was a morally wrong fit for me is what caused my inner rage, centred in humiliation and a sense of entrapment and lack of respect or appreciation, but I didn’t know how to express anger or square up to a confrontation.  I had never had to, and didn’t have any tools.

Withon that vacuum, anger was owning me and turning toxic.

Any of this sounding familiar ?

I don’t have all the answers, but I do have some parallels .... and I hear you.

[Teej]

To tell the truth I have no idea anymore @Faith-and-Hope. Nothing feels right anymore. I wrote something to @Sans911 the other week about authenticityand/or integrity. Not long after I wrote it I got so angry at myself. I told the psychologist how can you be authentic when you are a different person everyday. Where is there integrity in not even knowing who you are. The anger came because I realised that I am the least authentic person I know. How could I value something I can’t be. 

Im probably going to sign off for now. I can feel myself building again with self loathing 😖😬

thank you you for your response. I think it might help to read it again tomorrow. 💜🤗