Walking on the road to recovery ........ 🤔

[Teej]

@Appleblossom I’m so glad you’ve found volunteering at the zoo rewarding. I’d imagine that you’ll have lots of magic memories from it. Good news re your son too. Crossing fingers things keep progressing. My brood are fighting fit. One turns 21 this week and another 18 in a couple of weeks. Life has been much simpler since one couple moved out. They are all going exceptionally well at the moment so I’m feeling blessed. Enjoy your dinner. 

@Former-Member I too spent months lurking in the background of the forum. I signed up in nov 2015 but didn’t post until april the next year. It took a while to find my feet here. I’m glad you like the pictures, it’s always good when it’s a win/win....I enjoy finding and posting them and you appreciate. Please don’t ever feel like you need to respond about them as it’s already a win for me by posting them. 

Time to get off for a bit. 💜🤗

[Teej]

Dropping in your daily sun shower pic @Former-Member. 

Ive thought about your Tagline lots  @Former-Member. I think if I could do those thinks it would propel me a long way forward. Accepting my feelings is really really hard, I have no clue as to my purpose and I suck at doing the things I need to .... but aspire to them all. I like that I’m reminded of these things when I see you post. 

My day day has been frustrating but ok. I feel like I wasted another session of therapy today 😣. Think I just got caught in my emotions so have lost what I was going to write. I hope everyone is ok  

[greenpea]

@Teej dont be too hard on yourself opening up is so difficult and exhausting. I think you are great doing what your are doing.  My daughter is currently opening up to her pdoc and is finding herself with very negative emotions which are rising up. It is all part and parcel of it I suppose  xxx

[Former-Member]

@Teej Oh how you make me smile! i loved the violet image you dropped over in the nest. Beautiful ... shhhh I nicked it too.  love it. this image isn't clear yet .. *waits impatiently*

Beautiful, it just cleared! oh, what a darlilng little thing. At the other house, there used to be finches in the shrubs. I miss them here. 

Y'know, sometimes those times we think have been wasted really aren't, stuff just worked in the subconscious behind the scened instead of coming straight out into the open.That's what I have found sometimes anyway, when I give it a couple of days to let it settle, that is. (y'know Con the Fruiter ... "Coupla days ... boodiful!"

I've been trying to give myself a little time, a day maybe to let myself just BE with the shitty feelings and let it be okay, then move on with something so that within that 'coupla days' I'm feeling better and more 'me'. I do hope that made sense. 

What a kind, thoughtful and caring person you are @Teej it comes through in your bravery at acknowledging the little things that matter to you. How the seemingly wee things have such impact on your thoughts and how you face your own 'stuffs'. I like you. 

With the tag line. It came from a Japanese anime I watched (I told the story somewhere, but I've forgotten where ) Girls' Last Tour (Shoujo Shuumstsu Ryokou) it is  Quote "an uplifting tale of two girls and their quest to find hope in a bleak and dying world" . 

The concept of accepting the situation, making the most of what they knew was going to end and becomeing one with the enui was captivating in it's simplicity and really touched me. I decided to find the english equivalent of it and use it to remind me of how I'd like to be.

It refers to each day, only each day. The feelings I have that day. The purpose for that day. The doing of what needs to be done that day. 

It might be that my purpose for a day is to do the washing and get it dry. 

It might be to make time for myself to watch a tv series I enjoy so I don't keep putting it off to do chores instead. Or the washing up. It depends entirely on how difficult a day I am having. 

Please feel welcome to use it in your own way, for your own sense of self. I am so touched to know it has had such a positive influence for you. 

We never know just how much of what we do, or say has an effect on someone.

Teej, thank you, more than you can know, for telling me these things. It matters so much to know this for reasons I cannot find words to express. 

You are very precious, have a wonderful, wonderful day, please. 

[Former-Member]

 Checking in with you @Teej Hope you're doing okay. 

[Teej]

Thanks @Former-Member. I’ve picked up my iPad to post something half a dozen or more times today but have got frustrated at not knowing what to write. I’m ok, just incredibly flat and really tired. I think I’m fighting a bug that a couple of the kids had. Spent much of today in bed fully clothed because I was so cold. I’ve seen snippets of the forum but not much. Thanks for asking after me. I hope your day has been more sun than shower.

 

This is a bit like me lately, hiding out while the rain pours down. 💜🤗

[Faith-and-Hope]

Me too @Teej ..... ❣️

[Teej]

That made me smile @Faith-and-Hope 😊 

Just an update

im in a strange place this week, not out of control and suicidal like last week but my mood is very solemn. I think maybe that’s part of being sick....which by the way I mostly dodged by the looks of things. I feel a bit better today just no energy. I’ve had youngest at home which has been nice too, he injured his knee and can’t weight bear yet properly but will be fine in a few days as it’s improving heaps. He is so lucky 🍀. 

Im finding it hard to be on the forum for my own crazy reasons (I promise it has nothing to do with anyone else but me)  but I miss everyone still.....go figure I don’t get me at all sometimes. Anyway sending love and hugs to all 💜🤗

[Former-Member]

You look after you @Teej. It's okay not to be here all the time. I'm going to be spending less time here from later in the week due to some writing commitments too. 

I love those froggy sheltering images @Faith-and-Hope @Teej they make me smile and feel a wee bit better myself. Glad you dodged most of the unwellness too Teej. 

It's a weird time of year for me, as it will be for many people for a variety of reasons, so don't pressure yourself. Rest, relax, take time for just letting yourself be. I'm trying to take my own advice too. 

Got some treats for the weekend in my shopping, just hope it comes or I'll be having Jatz without the smoked salmon I've treated myself to. 

Off to have that shower I was supposed to have a while ago. 

[Teej]

It’s been a while since I’ve been in a place to write on this thread. I do so with a bit of trepidation. 

I don’t know where to start or what is helpful or even over sharing. I’ve had lots on my mind for a very long time. 

Perhaps yesterday something happened that has lead me to write this post. I was in with my therapist (who has put up with me very distressed and crying for weeks now). We talked about me needing more structure in therapy and that I have gone so far backwards that I’m not recognisable anymore. I asked her what she would do with me to help and her response was "find a deserted island to put you on". It was at that point I realised how over sensitive and reactive I’ve become. The theory was that if I was away from everyone and everything I might find peace. It was not said in a bad way and I know it was said with endearment but there it is. 

The thing that makes this so frightening is that before my Big Bang as such I was someone who had many friends and very few enemies (I’ve always been too vague to know if I did have enemies). I had lots of people in my life 24/7. I was living in a family of 6 in a small community where neighbours were extensions of family and community meant so much to me. I never felt alone and actually kind of never remember feeling like I needed alone time. I had a strong group of friends that we went on family holidays with at least three times a year who were also like family, they had been friends for thirty years. Fast forward 6.5 years and I’ve pushed everyone away and rarely cope well unless I’m alone. No one has done this to me, it’s just me. 6 years on people still put their hand out to reconnect but I can’t, I’ve changed so much. 

a few weeks ago I sh in a way that has been recorded as an attempt on my life. There have been lots of things that have haunted me since. I’ve been angry that I reached out for help before it was too late. I’ve been angry that I put my kids through hell.....AGAIN. I’ve felt completely overwhelmed by living and I’ve cried the most tears and felt so sad. I was so close to finishing it and I knew how but for some reason I reached out to the sane help centre who called appropriate services so I ended up in hospital receiving treatment and they stopped me from finishing it off (I’m guessing a shout out to @Former-Member wouldn’t go astray and a thank you as well, even though for a bit I’ve been mad as hell that you took my call that day, but also appreciative and grateful that you did 💜💐) . That is the part that haunts me.....why did I call half way through. I guess the only answer is that the will to live was stronger than that to die. It leaves the question how do you live when so much of you wants to die? 

I have more to write but need a break for a bit so it’s.....to be continued for whoever wants to read