I'm on a break from being online. I'd like to say things are getting better. Not yet. I'm still very fatigued and exhausted most of the time. I went through a few days of not being able to eat.
With no roadmap of how to deal with my major breakdown, it's like swimming in water with ten pound weights on my legs and arms. I feel sick most days. I'm noticing that if I over do things, it means many days of exhaustion and overwhelm to follow.
I find it so hard to rest when there's things to do but at the same time I'm too exhausted to do them. I have more of my bad days than my good. I absolutely have zero energy to help someone else.
I've been having many flashbacks of painful times. Many emotions and f3lings. I'm just trying to find the right pace for me. Anyhow I've joined the Rotary club as a possible member. I went to my first meeting on Wednesday night. It's also the writers fest now for four days and I'm booked up with events till Saturday afternoon. Then it is my birthday on Sunday.
I'm re adjusting to the fact that I can't do much yet. I keep forgetting that. It's hard to accept. Sometimes I just wish somebody could do the things I can't. I'm concerned about finances but I need do much rest and recovery time. It's just that it's not helping my recovery to stress about finances.
I feel extremely angry about my nervous breakdown. I was not the entire cause of it. People to me really suck. I'm coming to terms with no contact with family now. I don't miss them do much. We are very different people. I do not have a lot in common with them.
I've also come to realise I'm not responsible for their well being anymore. It's a difficult one as I had so much responsibility given to me. I can see it more clearly now that I'm not in contact. Can you believe my mother once asked me to sit in on a counselling session between her and my sister!? Of course I said no. I still feel it was an utterly ridiculous request but she thought it was completely normal to ask. Unbelievable. I don't think she even realises something us not right with her.
Some days are just hard when I'm dealing with such heavy stuff. I've been nauseous now for maybe three weeks. I think I'm going to have a day in bed today. I need a very big rest. I won't stop by often as I just can't manage most days.
A shout out to all members I've spoken too.
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13 YARN