Lived Experience Forum

[Heavenbound]

Hi there @utopia I see that some of the other members have some good tips for your housework issues. I applaud them and agree with the help they give. I am like you with the guilt of what I need to do but just can't face the tasks. I also have trouble even showering so how the hec do I do the housework? I live in fear of visitors and they will see my messy house. I can't let go of the guilt because I always kept my home spotless, I was also an avid gardener.  I would have been as close to OCD that you could get. I also worked full time looked after my 2 children and always prepared the meals. So a few years back I injured my back at work, 1 year later I had spinal fusion plus 3 yrs ago a second one. I have little movement in my spine and am in constant pain, hence, I just cannot do what I used to do. So my friend I really understand how you feel. I hope maybe one of us could take some of the tips and make them work. Hugsss

[utopia]

Thank you @Heavenbound.
Yes I used to have a stunning garden before my workplace incident. Now it's just weeds and super long grass. I'm not attending to my fruit trees and my vegetable garden is now just cooch grass.
I was never a domestic goddess but my house used to be clean. Now it's full of dust and dog hair.
It all just gets to be too much. So I give up on doing anything

[Heavenbound]

@utopia I fully understand the way you feel (same here) so I just let things go also. I figure what's the point. I know that it's not good for us to feel like that and I make plans to do something each day, well, for some reason tomorrow never comes. Let us try not to be too hard on ourselves, now, in saying that I know darn well we still will be... lol (no laughing matter). Where is my fairy godmother???. Know that I am thinking of you and if you want to talk I'm all ears. Hugsss 

[utopia]

Thank you

[utopia]

Finally got a hold of the Psychiatrists office. They have squeezed me in for midday tomorrow. That's good. Not long to wait, but I can feel my anxiety rising by the minute.
Those 'what if' thoughts.
What if
* can't explain how I'm feeling
* he doesn't think I'm as sick as I am
* he doesn't change anything
* he offers me no hope

[utopia]

I never used to be a worrier.
This is not me

[utopia]

Saw my psychiatrist today. He has taken me off my anxiety meds straight away. He thinks they are making me flat & fat. Lol. I've gained 10kg since I left hospital at the end of August.
He has also decided to increase my anti depressants.
I used to be on three times the average dose of this med. Now I'll be taking four times the average dosage. Starting today.
Am very tired. Hardly had any sleep last night & was a six hour trip to visit my psychiatrist.
I'm glad he listened to what I said and that it made sense to him (as it didn't make sense to me).
I'm off to sleep now.

[Sahara]

Hi @utopia,

good news about your psychiatrist and the medication change. To be honest, I did wonder if you meds were making you feel flat, as I know it's quite common for medication to do that. 

I was lucky that medication only ever calmed me down and didn't 'zone me out'. All the side effects I ever had were only ever physical. 

When does the psychologist return? 

Hope you are feeling ok today. x

[utopia]

Feeling okay today @Sahara thanks.
I really didn't think the medication that I was taking would have that effect. But I should have guessed.
The anxiety meds work really well when in an anxiety crisis - like when I was in hospital. But for mild anxiety - they were too strong.
I used to handle the mild anxiety on my own without medication. So I hope I can do that again.
I look forward to seeing if I loose weight now - because I've gained so much.
It's weird. Before I see my psychiatrist, I think my symptoms don't make any sense and he's going to think I'm a whinger.
Yes I can smile at something cute or funny on tv - but I can't laugh or cry. I just feel nothing most of the time.
But he instantly knew what it meant. And so I wasn't just whinging after all. Something was out of kilter. That makes me feel heaps better.
Will take note over the following weeks and see if feelings and laughing and crying can happen again. I hope so.
I see my psychologist the second week in February. And my psychiatrist at the end of February.
How are you going @Sahara. I hope you are well and life is going in the direction you want it to.

[Sahara]

@utopia,

it must such a relief for you, to get some confirmation of your worries about feeling numb from your psychiatrist, well done.

Are you a little bit better today? Slightly more energy? 

I am doing Ok, thanks.... probably a the best I have ever been, in some ways. It's not like I am swinging from the rafters, but there is a quiet resolution about everything within me. It's hard to explain.

The way I was raised, the way I lived before I got depression (and even after my diagnosis, for several years) was not a good way to live. 

I always kept feeling that I had to be everything for everyone and that my needs came last. 

Now I see that it is Ok to be me. It always was. It's now fine to make decisions based on what I really want to happen in my own life. My life, my decisions, my values..... just me. I can be myself and be content even if it doesn't suit other people.

I've finally realised that other people's happiness is not my concern. It never was. Whenever I tried to do something for someone else because I thought they "really needed me to".... well, in most cases I was just enabling them to remain helpless and powerless. 

I just let go of my attachment to "being needed" and I feel very free. 

This resolution has come at an important time, with my Dad being so sick and my sister in slow-motion melt-down. 

The great news is that my PhD research is now fully and completely sponsored by the government, and the uni, and so I no longer have to work in a real job! I am a researcher.