Lived Experience Forum

[Teej]

Yeah. It is @CheerBear. I honestly don’t know what to expect. I must admit for the first time today I’m wondering whether we could work together even if it came through. I think I know why I have been so crazy though. Apart from feeling on trial I think my crazy is extra big because I don’t know or trust her. It made me realise that I’m always extra crazy around new people. She has had my crazy scale turned up to full. :face_with_rolling_eyes:😳

[CheerBear]

It makes heaps of sense @Teej that feeling like you're on trial (which anything 'assessment' would probably do to me too) plus not knowing whether you trust her and also that she's new to you, make that crazy turn up. It takes ages for me to build up some kind of trust with someone new and the start of things is always a bit tricky. I think it's pretty natural to question whether you can work with someone at the beginning. While it's important to listen to inside feelings about things, I believe it's also important to give it a go too and test them out. Things are uncertain at the moment with it and maybe that's adding to your uncertainty as to whether it might work anyway, also.

I'm not sure if that makes sense (it sounded better in my head). I'd be a bit scrambled with the outcome of that call also, is what I am trying to get at I think 😕

[Teej]

It makes sense @CheerBear. Perhaps it’s extra big because if it goes ahead I have to sign a 12 month contract with twice weekly sessions. She said next week would be looking at what that involved. I’m guessing that doesn’t mean I’m ruled out but I don’t think she has gone through all the processes yet. It means that there are still lots of check boxes to tick yet. I feel the pressure too because if it goes ahead I am her guinea pig for accreditation for this therapy which brings up lots of performance things and fear on my behalf.....and I’m so scared she doesn’t know me enough but I’m scared for her to know me as well. Talking in circles much :face_with_rolling_eyes:. 

[CheerBear]

That's a lot of things to think about and consider with it all for you @Teej. If you get the go ahead on Friday would you be able to make a decision about it after then or is it the kind of thing you'll need to say yes to on the day? Decisions seem easier to make when you know where you stand I think.

[Teej]

I’ll have time after @CheerBear. I think she still has to submit things before it goes ahead still too. It’s hard though because if I say no then cmh will say I’m not doing the things I need to be better. I’m caught between a rock and a hard place with it but I’m not complaining and I know I’m lucky to have this support. I’m being offered something and they are trying to support me, it’s just bringing my crazy out even more.....cos that’s me 😳:face_with_rolling_eyes:😜

Thanks for the chat. I feel a fair bit calmer. I may even survive today after all 🤨. I really expected to experiencing full si so I’m taking this as a huge win. 

I hope your day has some more good in it. 💜🤗

[CheerBear]

That kind of rock and hard place is another level of tricky @Teej. I really feel like there would be lots of people who would struggle going through the process you've been through. It sounds like you'e doing really well managing today though. Go you in lots of ways 😊

And thanks. Today is one of the good ones for me and I'll be quietly celebrating that tonight ☺ This feels like a new chapter now.

Nice chatting with you Teej ❤

[Dark]

I found this forum because I don’t know if I can make it through tonight.   The nights are so hard now.  I want to reach out to someone...anyone.   There is no one. There is no one healthy to whom I can turn.   I was diagnosed as BP in January.  I was 41.  I’ve failed so many ways.  I have three kids and my marriage is failing because of the coping mechanisms I developed.  I can’t do this. I can’t be apart from my kids.  I can’t go on. 

[Shaz51]

Hello  and welcome @Dark

it is soo good to see you here and to let you know you are not alone my friend

[Dark]

It’s the nights that are killing me.  My wife and I are separated.  I cheated.  I leaned that I was bipolar in the aftermath...marriage counseling led to individual counseling led to diagnosis.  I’ve been on pristiq since January.  That was fine when I lived at home and got to be with my kids, who are my ENTIRE life.  Now that I’m out of the house I can’t deal with the nights anymore.  I give all I have during the day, but at night it’s just me alone with nothing.  

[Dark]

Bipolar regardless, I’m a great dad.  I’m a terrible husband.  I can’t do this anymore.