I can’t cope

[Captain24]

Hey @tyme !!

Ive missed you. I’ve been on nightshifts though. I’m off now until Monday. 

I told the facilitator that I would go so I have to but I don’t want to. 

I guess this is my differently. I’ve got to try as I’m struggling again and maybe this may help if I can cope with the weirdness of it all. 

Im about to get dressed. I’m scared with what to wear. I don’t have the clothes that they wore. What if jeans and a shirt is too much? But that’s all I’ve got. I just don’t know. I feel so uncomfortable. 

It starts at 6:30 so I should leave pretty soon but it goes to 8:30 and that’s a really long time to sit feeling so uncomfortably. 

I’ve taken another stimulant to help me and help keep me awake a I haven’t had much sleep today. Stressing about tonight and I got home late. 

Sorry just rambling with anxiety.

How are you going? 

[tyme]

That's weird, I thought I responded!

Here it is:

So so proud of you @Captain24 !

Well done on taking this step. S

I vaguely remember you saying that the last time you attended, it was okay?

As for wait you wear, I'm sure they won't worry.

Use the opportunity do what you need to. Be yourself, but also push yourself a little 🙂

[tyme]

Hope it's going okay @Captain24 

[Captain24]

I went @tyme.

It was better than last week. I’m not sure I want to be a ‘grower’ as they call it. But it was just in person and no one online. It was more intimate. One girl shared what she is having trouble with and we all tried to help. I didn’t share much at all but that’s ok. I also don’t know where the limit is.

I have done something stupid though and agreed to go to coffee with them. We have booked it in for Monday in 2 weeks as I’ll be off work and around my appointments. Not sure how I will go but I’ve booked it in. 

I was a little more myself this week but no where near who I am.

[tyme]

Amazing work @Captain24 ! That's powerful to be able to do that. Don't over think the meetup. Put it on the calendar and on that day, if you can go, go. If not, don't be so hard on yourself. Just remember, those others attending may be just as anxious about it as you. 

Set yourself a time, and once the 1 hr or so is up, leave. Small doses I'd say is better. 

I know from my own experiences that sometimes, when I go to an event, I just don't have the guts to say I need to leave. Hence I only book in a set time, then I HAVE to leave because I've got something else after. If I dont' plan ahead, I end up wearing myself out.

The sharing things sounds pretty amazing. It reminds me of my MBT sessions. We go around and all share something small, then we collaboratively decide on what to focus on. Was this the same? Or does only one person get to share their challenges?

[Captain24]

It’s at 11 so I can use the excuse that I have to go home and feed my dogs. I don’t have the confidence to just leave.@tyme. I’m already scared but I have a lot of time to put it to the side until then. You never know, I might enjoy it. Obviously with anonymity we can’t talk about group stuff so it’s just ‘get to know you’ stuff. I think… just to be social. 

I think others can speak up. But they ask if anyone has anything they want to discuss. The nice one shaped she was having a lot of trouble with negative self-talk. She said some stuff and we talked about whether what certain people think of her really matter. Eg. Her ex husbands family! In a supportive way though. But we all tried to help her and then there was a part in the book that related to it. It was interesting. They kinda ask twice throughout and I think it’s just one person each time. I don’t know what I would share as I don’t know how to share to get help. How can anyone help when mood is just so low? 

[tyme]

Sometimes, it's not so much about having to share, but when you listen to other people's stories and challenges, it can be uplifting @Captain24 Everyone has their own challenges that they have to navigate. 

It might be worth thinking about what you hope you gain out of these group sessions, and hopefully, that will give you the oomph to work towards those goals, even if it's a little at a time.

But please pace yourself so you dont' overdo it!

Also, is it just for people in your local area? Does that mean it's likely you know some of the people outside? That would freak me out!

[Captain24]

I’m going into this really carefully. @tyme. At my own pace and only with what I’m confident to do. I said no to something tonight as I wasn’t comfortable enough. That was huge! 

Yeah it’s just the local area but there was only 4 of us tonight so it’s quite little. So far I don’t know anyone. 

Im now nervous about tomorrow. I have to have an abdominal ultrasound and an internal one. That one is scaring me!

[tyme]

Well done @Captain24 . I know how huge this is for you. Well done. I look forward to hearing more about in the weeks to come.

As for your medicals tomorrow, I hope they go okay. It sounds pretty hectic. I was asked to do an internal one about 10 years ago. I refused lol. @Captain24 I hope it goes okay for you. It's totally okay to feel a bit anxious.. perhaps let the person know?

Anyway, I have to start wrapping up now. I'll catch you later tomorrow evening. I think sometime between 6-8pm I'll be on.

All the best for tomorrow. And once again, well done on tonight!

[Captain24]

So I just had my ultrasound including the internal. I feel disgusting, dirty and violated. It was a horrible experience. 

So it showed that I don’t have polycystic ovaries and at this stage I don’t have uterine cancer but I do have a polyp in my uterus that will need removing. I’m a little scared and won’t know any details until I see my GP next Wednesday. It’s going to be a big appointment and I get all the results from my blood tests. 

I don’t need anything else wrong with me. My mental health is enough. Right now it all feels a lot.