I can’t cope

[tyme]

I don't like buffets for dinner, but I don't mind brekkie because it's pretty simple.. just some cereal, eggs, bangers, has browns, danishes., fruit .. can't go wrong there. @Captain24 Whereas with the dinners, I find the food pretty average most of the time. I can't justify the cost. 

As for Adelaide, lets just say there's nothing that really drives me to go there. Yes, there are a few family friends, but it's not enough to get me there again. I've been a few times, and I just find it tooo.... quiet???

My sister asked me to go because she couldn't lug the three kids and a hubby there, so she wanted me to help her. But if I'm not going, she won't go either. 

I'm goigng to need a break after a week with three kids!

Lol, and that's funny that the nuns talked you into going fo the trip. It's a cool experience, but its a long way to go!

Anyway, I have to go now. I have to finish work before I log off tonight. I'll catch you tomorrow evening???

All the best with tomorrow. we are accountability buds.

[Captain24]

Accountability buds.. the pressure is on @tyme 

Im going to bed as my stomach is really sore. Apparently my ovaries aren’t in the right place and she had to push them to see them and she poked and prodded with that thing she stuck in places where it shouldn’t be. 

Have a good night and I’ll see you tomorrow 

[Captain24]

My stomach is not a sore today. It doesn’t feel like bad period pain after yesterday’s scans. 

I feel really sick though. I’m tired of this. I think it’s the smokes that I’m smoking. Maybe I need to smoke less of them. I have only been smoking half of one. 

I’ve done so much but have lost my motivation. But at least the house and dogs are clean. 

Im tired. I’ve been so tired lately. Maybe its burn out. I don’t know. But I just sit and doom scroll. I don’t even turn the tv on. I haven’t done any Lego or anything. I just don’t care too. I don’t care to do anything. The only reason I have done what I have done is that I have an accountability buddy and feel that I have to do it so I don’t let them down. 

[Ru-bee]

Hey @Captain24 it sounds like maybe you could be going through some burn out. Sorry to hear that you're feeling unwell on top of that, that would zap your energy too

What's on for today? Is there anything that you're aiming to do?

[Captain24]

I’ve done pretty much everything on my list except waiting for everything to dry so I can iron and pack away. My clothes line is full because I’ve been to useless to do it @Ru-bee 

I thought maybe I should mow my lawn. But I don’t think i actually care. I probably can’t do it anyway as I’m just so tired, unmotivated, lacking energy and useless. 

I just can’t do anything. I’m just a waste of time. I’m just a worthless nothing. I can’t do anything. I just want to disappear today. 

I wish my GP appointment was today and not next week. I want to know what to do and what happens after yesterday’s scans. I don’t want surgery. I don’t want to take time off work. I don’t have any leave. I don’t have any money to pay for the appointments I’m going to need. Gynaecologists will cost so much. I guess it won’t just be one appointment. What if it’s more than they think. I don’t usually worry about things but I don’t think I’m in the right headspace. 

Im just nothing. I’m nobody. No one cares anyway. Why would they? Who would care about me anyway? 

I hurt so much today. I want today to be over. I want to go back to feeling good but I guess I don’t deserve to that’s why I’ve failed and ended up unable to do anything. 

[Ru-bee]

Those are a lot of harsh words about yourself @Captain24 I'm sorry that it sounds as though your mind is being a bit of a bully right now. Just want to gently remind you of how powerful our words can be, especially when we're having a bad day 💜

Sitting with that uncertainty until you see your GP next week is hard, especially as it sounds like distraction isn't feeling very accessible to you at the moment. What day is the appointment next week?

[Captain24]

They are all true @Ru-bee 

My appointment is on Wednesday. Just before I go to sleep for nightshift. I’m going to have to organise more appointments before going to bed. 

I can’t get out of my own head. It’s to powerful. I don’t know how to distract it’s like it’s not possible. I can’t even face turning the tv on. Maybe I just go to bed and forget today even exists. Today is so hard. All sorts of thoughts running through my head and none of them good. Theres not one good thing about me. I’m not even worth it. 

[Ru-bee]

Hearing about those powerful thoughts @Captain24, I'm wondering if you're feeling safe at the moment? I understand that it can really hard to silence these thoughts at times, but the more we dwell on them, and repeat them, the harder it can become. 

Are there any other tools other than distraction that might be available to you at the moment? Maybe some grounding?  

[Captain24]

I didn’t say anything wrong did I? I was very careful with what I said? But no, I don’t feel safe at all @Ru-bee. I think I am though. 

I just had a nap and forgot for a

little while. But I had weird dreams so that didn’t help much. I just tried grounding and just can’t switch it off. The more I tried to focus the harder it was. 

Im just a failure today