I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I go in for surgery on the 18th of this month. So just over a week away. I’m scared. @Jynx 

Yeah today isn’t good. It was hard to call in but I just couldn’t do it. I feel stupid as it was simple stuff like the fact that I didn’t/couldn’t shower, I was tired, I woke up with a bad pain that made me sweat badly which didn’t help the not showering. But I’m just exhausted. I did say the other day that I just need a break and to let up on myself but I just don’t seem to allow myself that without beating myself up. Maybe I will allow myself to rest after surgery. I have to take it easy for a week but I’m not sure what that entails, what I can and can’t do. 

I really am sorry for relying on you. Like really really really sorry. You asked how I was feeling and I just blurted it all out there. I do find that you are the one that helps thrash it out and I’m sorry. I get the ‘too much’ as I know I am and I’m sorry. 

Im not sure that I’m all the confident in sharing so openly again. It’s taken me a long long time to be able to do that after everything. I will ease up on you and try not to overshare and be too much. I like your advice and understanding which is why I do it. I’m sorry. 

It was helpful as I felt a little lighter after putting it somewhere. I guess I need to work on most of it myself. Like you said, I can’t rely on others to do it for me. I put too much pressure on

my psych too. I put a whole list of things on her the other day. It has been 8 weeks though and a lot has happened and is going on. But the only person that can fix me is me. 

[rav3n]

@Captain24 yay, the medical cert is done ✔️ one less thing to worry about!

ahh okay, i think i get what you mean - so it's like, you had a lot of tasks to get done, and the couch-rotting meant that these tasks were rushed later, which exhausted you - and that exhaustion part made it hard to appreciate the achievement, and makes the accomplishment feel unsatisfying? am i on the right track? feel free to correct me!

i'm curious to know, is the number of 'ups' you've been having this year similar to last year, or has it changed? and it's okay if the ratio of downs to ups is still a work in progress - have a rough time doesn't erase your hard work and progress! 

that puzzle looks AMAZING!! it looks so fiddly haha, i applaud your patience!!

[Captain24]

Spot on @rav3n !!! You worded it so much better than I did!

I do feel that there is a few more ups and the downs aren’t always as down as last year. I was actually talking to my psych about progress, some days I feel it and others I don’t

some of the pieces are so tiny! I need to check on spotlight for some more! 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 can you do me a favour? Can you please re-read my post? 

My whole point was NOT that I want you to stop relying on me. It was NOT that I think you should have kept it to yourself. It is NOT that I think you're too much. And it certainly is NOT something I want you to be sorry for. 

Guess what? When we live with complex mental health (and just generally as humans), we absolutely NEED to rely on others - especially when we are yet to develop the skills to support ourselves. Please don't stop doing that.

Like everything in life, it's all about BALANCE. Balance often sits in that space of grey (to yoink some of what you've been chatting about in the AuDHD thread) - it can be so easy to have something like this happen, and say to yourself 'ahh I see, reaching out has left me feeling crappy. So I should do the opposite of that.' That's not balance, that's wildly swinging from white to black or black to white or whatever. 

So to reiterate - I am not asking you to change your behaviour, because it has NOT impacted me the way you think it has. I am simply encouraging you to reflect on your needs and decide what is going to be the 'path of least resistance'. I don't want you to avoid talking to me!! I just want you to be able to avoid the things that cause you pain. 

As a chronic over-sharer, it would be pretty hypocritical for me to come in here and tell you to keep it to yourself. That is not what I am saying. But the reality is that the nature of my role and of this space is that I won't always be able to respond in your hour of need. This is about you being able to protect yourself and look after yourself when you aren't able to get the kind of support you were hoping for. 

You are correct that we can't rely solely on others to get us through. However, we also can't do it alone. Balance is about knowing when we can use our own internal resources, and when to turn to others. Right now, because your internal resources are still developing, it's so, SO okay to rely more on others. 

I hope this helps hun. Happy to provide further clarity if you need it 😉

[Captain24]

I’m sorry @Jynx.

I hear you, I really do. My mind is telling me other things… back to yoinking, I’m still trying to work out where the grey is! 

I really don’t mean to be difficult. Today is probably a bad day to see things in a lighter note. Even just then I couldn’t log on so assumed I have been banned. (Ignore my email) I didn’t understand what I had done and just assumed it was my last post. That’s where my head is at. 

Sorry u don’t need to have to rehash to me. I’m just stupid and useless. I feel like I’m in the blender

How have you been? I’m selfish and hadn’t even checked in. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 I am always happy to re-hash to you lol it's literally so fine. I too once had a brain that was quick to assume the worst, and I was very lucky to have a friend who was patient with me, would explain and re-explain and validate and reassure... It's kinda meaningful to me I can be the same for someone else now!

Quick question - if you knew I was having a super rough time, had an upcoming surgery I was dreading, and was still in the midst of unravelling decades of trauma and attachment wounds.... would you consider me selfish if I forgot to check in? 😋 You. Are. So. Fine. 

I'm a little stressy cos I got movers coming from NSW on Monday to deliver some of my late grandma's furniture. So I've been cleaning and clearing like mad to make space for them and clear a path to the house! The clutter room...it's finally happening!! Hahaha nothing motivates quite like a deadline, am I right?! 😂

[EternalFlower]

@Jynx you're right and it's appropriate and i appreciate you explaining - i find sometimes if someone offers too intense support on an online forum it can be confusing for us - but the boundaries are real and so are the relationships. the care u show to us is very valued. We can rely on your prescence while having a different reliance on the systems and teams that keep us safe IRL.

I think it's extremely ethical and kind of u to explain things that wya. thank u

[EternalFlower]

@Captain24 hope ur okay. I've got no news here re case managers. Just waiting. I got a cold and have been home for a few days and can't eat really. I'm just drinking water til it passes, hopefully tomorrow.

[Captain24]

I’m just so sorry that I’m so painful and that I keep stuffing up and getting it wrong. I’m feeling so much like a failure that it’s ridiculous. @Jynx. I’m taking everything the wrong way even another post, won’t say where or what, but it hurts. 

Hell no… but I can be compassionate to others, in some circumstances, and would totally get it but I expect myself to think more of others and be respectful but I accept when someone is struggling that it’s ok for them to be a bit focused on themself. 

Oh… the whole adhd cleaning frenzy thing! I totally get it… meaningful furniture is so lovely. It has a story and a history. A remembrance. In case you can’t tell, I’m a bit sentimental! 

That dreaded room is finally happening.. go you. Does the furniture go in there your do you need to rearrange your existing furniture 

[Captain24]

Bugger on the no news @EternalFlower. Maybe next week. Hopefully..

Im sorry you have a cold I hope it eases quickly. I had one recently and it hung around for 3 weeks. I did work all the way through it though, nightshifts in the cold included. 

At least you are drinking plenty of water.