I can’t cope

[Jynx]

@Captain24 learning to recognise the inner-critic, or inner-saboteur if you like, can be tricky. I think what's helped me a lot is learning how to 'dialogue' with those inner parts of me that want to be critical or harsh. But first you gotta learn to recognise it, and recognise that it's not malicious, just unhelpful. Another thing I found helpful was to try to figure out whose voice it actually is. 

What I mean by that is like... quite often our inner-critic is just echoing things we heard when we were young. So it might be my father's words/approach, but I hear them in 'my' voice in my head so they feel like 'my' thoughts - even though it's actually just something I absorbed as a kid. 

So for me, first step was learning to notice my inner-critic without condemning it. We might hate how our inner-critic treats us, but it is still part of us - and so just as deserving of compassion and understanding. Like being able to see that my inner-critic just wants what it thinks is best for me, regardless of how I get there. Second part for me was learning to take what my inner-critic said with a grain of salt. That could be as simple as 'nah don't need that right now' or could be like 'I think this is my father's voice, and doesn't really reflect my true values'. Then third part was starting up that dialogue, in the form of gently challenging and reframing what my inner-critic had to say. 

It's okay if that feels pretty overwhelming right now! And your process may look different too, as you find what works for you! But we start small yeah? Baby steps, like you mentioned not really knowing when it's your inner-critic vs. self-motivation. So maybe for now it's just about learning to recognise it, or reflecting on where it's come from, without necessarily feeling like you have to change anything just yet. Cos that's how we end up putting pressure on ourselves, and if we set too high a goal and don't reach it - well that's just fuel to the inner-critic's fire, innit?! 

And yeah! Just like the resin, we trial and error our way through it all. I think one of the most common things our inner-critics like to focus on is making mistakes. But mistakes are essential for growth!! Or as Bob Ross would say - there are no mistakes, just happy little accidents! 

[Captain24]

Wow… that’s a lot to take in @Jynx.

You really challenge me! 

Food for thought though. It is 100% my mother’s voice. But it’s hard to separate that from myself. It’s like her voice and my inner critic are the same but its what is true. Thats what my head tells me. 

Trying to work out if is the inner critic or self motivation is hard. It’s like they go hand in hand. The critic pushes my motivation. Yes.. doing too much will lead me to ‘feeling’ like I have failed. So I do have to take it slowly and gently. There’s this really narrow line that I’m sitting on and that scares me of falling onto the wrong side. 

It’s hard cause all I see is mistakes. I do with the resin too but I’m able to see maybe if I try something else it may work. That’s actually a huge step. While it’s just resin if I focus on the mistakes I’ll give up. I want to give up as I don’t get it right most of the time but I get different ideas. The fact that I can do it with the resin really surprises me and I’m not actually sure where it comes from. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 it is a lot!! I know it can easily feel overwhelming when I lay it all out like that, but don't forget this is the culmination of years of recovery for me - none of it happened overnight! The fact that you're open to the challenge, that you spend time taking it in, take time to reflect and look for those hopeful glimmers in it all, it's so wonderful to witness. 

And yeah, it is hard when you may be able to consciously recognise that it's your mother's voice, but on that more automatic level it's harder cos... in our heads, we hear these words in our own voices! 

And you're right, that line can feel really thin, which is part of why I don't encourage trying to 'get rid of' our inner-critic - it isn't inherently bad! But it can be harsh, and go beyond being a motivational voice and into that realm of shame. 

Honest to goodness I read your last paragraph and wanted to cheer! It is such a huge step, and I'm super proud of you for seeing it this way. If you ask me, 'where it comes from' is from you! From that place of creativity, forgiveness, of inspiration - it's always been within you 💜

[Captain24]

Hey @Jynx 

I’ll respond properly on the morning. I don’t have the cognitive function right now. I’ve read your post a couple of times and it’s just not sinking in. 

Im adhding. I’m bored. Lego isn’t interesting me, tv isn’t, wooden puzzle isn’t, get diamond art out is too hard, resin is too hard… I just got nothing. I don’t want to go to bed. I’m too wired. But I’m too bored. Aargh it’s just too much. I feel overwhelmed. I even looked at my SP and didn’t care for it. 

I don’t know what to do. It has been a big day though. I went out for 2 1/2 hours this morning, lots of walking, lots of talking to people. One person dumped their shit in me as they always do. Then I went to the markets tonight to the dog treat man. It’s been big. I’m sore and just had enough. 

I give up trying. I’ve had meds and they do nothing to help bring on sleep. 

What else can I do? There is too much noise. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 hey - well done on recognising that you're not in the brain-space for processing so much info right now, and putting in a boundary around when you'll be able to respond. Kudos! 

I'm hearing you hun - that restlessness is tricky at the best of times, but I imagine being through so much intense emotions on Tues and then coming home to crash, bound to leave you feeling pretty wonky. 

Sounds like you've got a bit of that kinda buzzy energy - I find movement super helpful, kinda helps to shift the energy out of my buzzy busy brain, through my body, and out. It sounds like you've had a big day though so it might be physical exhaustion combined with restless mental space, which is ROUGH. 

Taking some time to just breathe, and if you can, sit with the restlessness. My therapist said to me recently, 'If you can't think of anything to do, do nothing.' Sometimes if we take a moment of stillness, what we actually need can become more clear.