It's Monday morning and with the start of the working week, I'm feeling the full force of anxiety this morning. It's nausea that sends me racing to the bathroom wanting to throw up food that isn't there. My shoulders and the base of my neck are stiff and sore and my chest feels tight. I know I can breathe but it doesn't feel like I can. I have the shakes - the ones that feel like I've gone beyond my caffeine limit for the day or that I am freezing cold, but neither of those are true.
I know I have to pull a house out of a hat soon. I know I'll have to face what's happening with my body again soon too. I am aware of the date every day now as I remember all that happened in the lead up to the big bang. I can't stop thinking about it and it's driving me bananas.
It feels like the start of each week is harder to face than the last. I have little in my calendar to worry about this week, but that hasn't made things feel better. Instead of feeling like I have big hurdles to overcome, I feel like I'm stuck in limbo, scrambling to find something that will unstick me but isn't there, waiting and preparing myself for the next thing to come along and knock me further down.
I wrote him a letter last night, after a few hours of managing all kinds of feelings yesterday brought up. In it I said that I didn't think I hated anyone, but yesterday I really questioned it. I really hate that instead of living, I am consumed with working out what can be fixed, how to fix it, and how to let the unfixable go. I hate that it inteferes with my ability to really enjoy what is perfect that is right in front of me every day, and I hate that what was right in front of him wasn't enough to stop it.
I want to shut the world out and not be part of it anymore. I'd love to turn off my phone, close the doors, shut the blinds and just sit still, but I can't. I have to find a balance of doing as much as I can to fix things but not more than I can tolerate, which is so hard because my ability to tolerate much of any of it is so minimal now and becoming less with each day. This part of it all is so frustrating. I'm throwing whatever I can think of at this mess, and it's getting worse not better. Sitting still won't get a house, but one look at an application and I sink into my default 'give up'. How am I going to do any of this? 😞
, I super hope this week is a brighter week for you. I love walking along the beach, it always feels like it clears my mind.