Recently I entered into a new relationship. Romantic relationships are a really big trigger for me, and something that I talked about a lot in therapy but it was very difficult to make much progress, unlike other areas where I felt like I made very good progress. I have complex trauma from childhood so intimate relationships are really hard and anxiety-provoking for me. I'm generally single most of the time, with short stints of dating here and there that...typically haven't gone very well. I don't typically seek out romantic relationships, I have a good circle of friends and keep myself well occupied, but on a whim I decided to try a dating app and met this lovely person. For the most part, I think things are going well, I have a very good time with them in person and they're very affectionate and attentive.
The problem is that they're often very busy so it can be hard to arrange dates, plans have fallen through due to illness. They're also not very good with texting. In some ways, this is good as it's helped me not get too obsessive and remember my own life and hobbies and friends. But these last few days it's really caused me to spiral, though this might have been exacerbated by isolation and PMS. I even started having thoughts of self-harm and suicide again. I constantly worry they've lost interest in me, they're just stringing me along, etc. I think I am an interesting, kind person with a lot to offer, but I worry no one is going to bother to take the time to see that, or that they will think my mental illness and other flaws are not worth dealing with. I've mentioned to them that I have been to therapy for a long time and that I'm on medication, and even that I have sexual health issues (that I'm actively addressing), none of which seemed to faze them. But my mental health issues and other flaws still feel like this "elephant in the room" to me, where if I talk about it or make it apparent they'll leave.
I want to focus on my strengths and the things I like about myself and make that the forefront of my being. I want to be the best person I can be for both myself and for the relationship. I just worry that it'll all fall apart no matter how hard I try.
