My Mosaic

[Bow]

Yeah they always start so early @Jynx ! 8am the gates open and there are so many people busting through them ready to shop! We leave home at 6:15, pretty good run there at that time of the day and takes us a good 1.5hrs to set up. Took us a bit longer today cause I hadn’t price any of my new stuff and neither had mum. But you bet we can pack up, load the car and be outta there in 45mins! 

we have booked in for a couple of twilight Christmas markets again this year. 

a whole lot of nothing really. Just some tv. Probably crawl into bed early. You got any midnight Kmart runs planned? 

[Jynx]

Got it down to a fine art eh @Bow hehehe 😋

Oh nice!! Oooh I definitely wanna hit up some xmas markets this year!! 😍

Haha nah not tonight! Already scoped out the halloween decor lol had to stop myself from buying a pair of googly eyes the size of dinner plates 🤣

[Bow]

I got fresh blueberry bagels from the market today @Jynx  had one for dinner with cream cheese and blueberry yogurt. Wasn’t much hungry. What you got for dinner tonight? 

wondering if I might broach a subject? Something that has been taking up a lot of my head space this week amongst many other things. I hope it is ok to talk about? Please delete if not, guess want to not feel so alone perhaps? Or maybe it really is just me? I am absolutely safe right this moment. Logically I know there is never any good time, but ya know so much thought goes into when is the right time? Previously it’s been very planned other times it’s been impulsively. Like hypothetically can’t do it now cause it’s D’s Birthday next week. That would be terrible timing. But then I’m like I won’t be around the deal with it anyway. 
this is my constant thoughts

????

[Jynx]

You're referring to SI @Bow? 

Hmm... I think it can be tricky because SI isn't really all that logical. It might seem like it is but really, our entire brain is wired for survival... so SI isn't really a logical step to take. It is however, a very emotional experience. It's often driven by intense emotional states, and I think also ties back to that concept of control.

So because it's so emotional it makes sense to me that things like 'Oh I can't because of D's bday next week'  would pop up and disrupt that process - cos it's also tied deeply to your emotions, with how much you care about her and want her to have a good time. 

I dunno, those are just my thoughts, take em however you will!

[Bow]

And when there is nothing stopping me… nothing coming up, is that when emotions take over @Jynx ? Sorry just trying to understand/ get my head. 

Struggling to accept the chronicness of my SI and it’s hard to see a way forward with it walking alongside me. Really hating not having that space to talk with a psychologist 

[Jynx]

@Bow maybe when there's nothing coming up, it's because the feelings have gotten so big that they overtake all others, e.g. our care for our loved ones. I don't know for sure hun, cos it can be soooo individual, and even situationally unique. 

I sometimes think of SI as a coping tool - thoughts that we turn to as a comfort, especially in situations where we feel we have little control. It is I guess in some ways, the ultimate or final form of control we can take. Again, it's not a logical feeling - hence why it can be both comforting and terrifying at the same time. 

That would be so rough hun. Can you talk to your SW or anyone about what's on your mind? 

[Bow]

Yes I have heard it referred to as a coping tool @Jynx and yeah them thoughts do bring comfort, which totally doesn’t make any sense. Well I guess they do cause it would bring a way out, relief, peace. 

thanks for allowing me to talk about this.

yeah my SW is really good. She will let me talk about anything really. She isn’t clinical, she’s got a diploma in mental health and some kind of counseling. But she’s not afraid of talking about stuff. 

I was due to see my CM on Thursday and then I was going to see my SW after. My SW was heaps early and she ended up sitting and waiting with me for my CM. She ended up not even being there, a guy came out. I told him nope, need a female so he went and found some random. I was heaps thankful when my SW came in with me cause I was already heaps not ok and this all just made it a lot worse. I really didn’t have many words for her stupid questions and my SW advocated for me and hopefully this random will follow up and get me at least on the wait list for a psychologist cause at the moment I ain’t even on it!!! Grrrrr

My SW is even already on the ball and knows this time of the year leading up to Christmas and NY is bad and already asking what extra supports I might need. 

I often don’t really feel confident in talking with my CM cause she is always so dismissive and says ‘oh you’ve been here before and got through…. So I’ll leave that with you.’ The I’ll leave it with you is her new one and I really hate it. She has used it a lot recently when there are appointments I need to make, or bloods I need to go have done. Yep I know I need them, but sometimes it’s really feeling impossible. 

[Jynx]

@Bow you're always allowed to talk about your struggles with SI hun, doing so in a safe way - which you are doing. You clarified your safety at the start of the conversation, and you let me know what you needed - that you were looking for understanding. You're so fine, that's well within the bounds of what recovery-focused posting is all about 😉

Ugh that's... not nice. Do you think it's worth flagging with your CM that her saying that is like, really not helpful? 

[Jynx]

Also @Bow 

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@Bow wrote:

Yes I have heard it referred to as a coping tool @Jynx and yeah them thoughts do bring comfort, which totally doesn’t make any sense.

---

Was just thinking about this -

TW: discussion of SI

Content/trigger warning

and wanted to say like, it makes sense to me because of the fact that our passing is literally the one thing no one can really fathom, because no one can 'report back' about what happens after we die. Our brains kinda....boggle at the thought and so it already doesn't make sense. I guess to my mind, it does make sense that something like that could bring a kind of comfort. And then that can also feel scary!

And I think a lot of people can probably relate to this hun, myself included. So don't be thinking there's something 'wrong' with you for feeling this way - humans are ridiculously complex and occasionally quite nonsensical creatures after all, and we evolved to deal with life's stress in a world far simpler than the one we inhabit. Is it any wonder our brains have to do these whacky backflips to allow us some sense of relief?

[Bow]

Yay for getting recovery focused posting right then @Jynx 

I could maybe try and tell my CM. Perhaps hopefully remember to do it next time she says those kind of things. 

It’s all pretty scary hey. The unknown. It feels real heavy today. It’s a quiet day here today, post market recovery mode. Everyone is doing their own thing and there is plenty of space to do far too much thinking inside my head.