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Something’s not right

CactusChild
New Contributor

NT outnumbered

Today has been another in a string of bad days. My husband is undiagnosed high functioning ASD/Aspergers, as is my MIL. My 6yo son is lvl2 ASD, my 5 yo son is currently being diagnosed with a likely outcome of ASD lvl2. I have chronic pain, yet I am the primary care giver to all. My 9yo daughter has started to show the very early signs of weakness in her knees which was the start of my pain. I recently had a hysterectomy to remove my endometriosis/adenomyosis. While in hospital my Mother made the 6 hr trip to come and help my husband with our family (although his parents live 5 mins from our home). My mother ended up staying for 3 1/2 weeks as I had complications and was in hospital much longer than anticipated. During her stay my Mum got a clear look of how hard I have to work to keep our family functioning well, and happy. The amount of work, taken up with my son's therapy; balancing the needs of a daughter who can feel overlooked and directing my husband to be an active participant of family chores, and parenting. I finally felt validated for feeling utterly exhausted and miserable 80% of the time. My Mum also noticed my husband in his 'raw' state; rather lazy, narcissistic and entirely self involved: ASD. She also noticed how little my mother in law helped, but really lacked the knowledge or motivation to help in our time of need. My husband uses me as his crutch. I'm his guidance counceller, his therapist, his interpreter. I feel less and less his wife and more like his mother, teaching him social expectations, norms and manners. But with 2 boys who are my actual sons with ASD who need me. I don't want to look after my husband. We only started to realise he has ASD from our son's diagnosis. We met in our early 20's when his 'obsession' met with my interests, but he is so different from the person he used to be. I am not a huge fan of this guy. I am not the same fun loving free spirit either, my spontaneity is replaced with routine for the mental wellbeing of the 3 out of 5. I am financially chained to him, which I think is the only thing keeping us together, as my family live so far away. How do I get him to be responsible for his own mental health so I can focus on my own and my children's? 

2 REPLIES 2

Re: NT outnumbered

@CactusChild  Hi Cactuschild you certainly have your hands full. I know exactly where you are coming from in many ways as autism and mental illness reigns high in our household. Is there anyway your husband would go to therapy with a psychologist or a counsellor? There are some free packages which your gp could organize for you and him to attend which may help. 

 

I realise getting him to go could be a struggle though .... but if you could somehow discuss the benefits with him of attending I think it would really help.. Let me know how it goes. Wishing you luck. peax

Re: NT outnumbered

Sometimes it’s all too much for us all. My husband is ASD bipolar and my 90 yr old MIL is ASD narsacist and Aquired Brain injury. My own mother lives with us as she can no longer cope alone due to being 84 and although generally no problem leans on me heavily without any recognition of who I am with completely no validation of my own chronic pain Thyroid, fibromyalgia and arthritis.  It all gets so much. 

I totally get the lazy non compliant argumentative just for the sake of argumentative ASD discussions and the emotional Jenga attitude from hubby everyday. Being labeled as a neuro typical for not being ASD is no longer an excuse for me anymore. Being bludgeoned with excuses to contribute has worn very thin with me as well. I know the patterns, I know the routines, I know how to deal with the cross sections and interference, the social isolation for the sake of some peace, exhaustion, the sensitivity to sound, the peculiar diet requirements, THE WHOLE SHEBANG NEEDED FOR OTHERS. I wait for the day I can just be me again. Sometimes I just don’t know how I goon. But I do. Hoping to find an end in sight. Having a ASD association Psychologist has helped enormously for us and I can recommend it helps. Boundaries pushed from within the ASD community are handled differently and not gotten away with as much as when they are home with us. ASD consellors treating ASD works well. Sending support to you and a great big hug. Please know You are not alone.

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