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Not sure how to help

Hi
I have recently gone into a relationship with a man O have known for 20 years. However things have not been as I expected. His behaviour is uncontrollable he fluctuates between being happy and angry because he thinks I've done something wrong such as not great him the right way or have secrets that everyone else knows but him. We have had terrible arguments which end in him yelling at me. I am a nurse so started looking some things up when I came across bpd it was just like reading about him. He has admitted to have depression in the past and I have found out he was on medication for this but hasn't been on any for quiet a while. I'm unsure how to broach this subject with him without making him angry again. I really need some advice on what I can do. I really dont think he will take to kindly to me telling him i think he has a mental illness.
Thank you
New Contributor

Re: Not sure how to help

Hi Jes

I know how you feel. I have been married for 20 years with a wonderful man who suffers from Depression, Over the years there are times when he decides to go off his meds because he doesn't like the way they numb him or they just stop working. 

its like ground hog day. At first he recognises that its his illness but as it deteriorates he then starts blaming me for his anger.

I find that the key is to stay calm but not submissive when he looses his temper . 

I find the best way to bring it up is when he is in a good mood, over a coffee or dinner at a restaurant. This way he will remain calm. Talk about the facts not the emotion. and be as logical as possible.

Everyone is different, but this works for me

Hope it helps

 

Moderator

Re: Not sure how to help

Hello @Jes28is

Welcome to the forums, it is nice to meet you Smiley Happy

That sounds extremely tough seeing your partner like that, but also unsure how to bring up the topic of your concern. Approaching this issue is different for everyone and I guess it is helpful to find ways of talking where your partner is more relaxed and insighful, for some people this is going for a bushwalk so you have time to talk it through if he does get angry, for others this is over a coffee, it can be helpful to get out of the house. Othe things like sitting in the park side by side can be less intimidating or aggressive, or even driving as you are not directly facing one another.

Are there any times that he seems more open to discussion and opening up about his vulnerabilities to you?

Also when he does get angry, are there ways that help to diffuse his anger, such as explaining your concern and that getting angry won't be tolerated, but you will be in the next room once he settles down.

This can be a way of giving feedback that anger is unhelpful and you won't put up with it, but if he wants to settle down and talk then you are there to talk it through. What are thoughts about those suggestions?

Thinking of you,

Lunar