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Something’s not right

saltandpepper
Senior Contributor

Returning To Square One

Hi all,

Its been a while since I've posted, and I think if I go back and look I'm probably posting for the same reason as last time. That bloody cycle of depression, that heaviness in my chest, that feeling of hopelessness, that voice telling me there's no point in trying. I know in a few weeks, maybe a month, it'll be Ok, things will settle again, but I'm at the beginning of the cycle right now.

Not feeling capable of a whole lot right now. I should be grateful I guess that at least I have periods of time without feeling depressed. Never used to be like that so I should be grateful. It's frustrating though, always coming back to this. Things I enjoyed doing a week ago are an effort, a chore. People that I love--who love me--are copping the brunt of my short fuse. Irritated by everything. Tired, so tired, could sleep for a week straight--of course that wouldn't help with the intrusive nightmares I tend to have.

Having to smile, play, have fun with my kid, it's all such an effort right now. And I'm doing it, as much as I can, but I'm bitter on the inside, resentful that I can't just lock myself away and ignore all responsibility.

I'm feeling sorry for myself--for the little kid I used to be. And I'm feeling pathetic and guilty for feeling sorry for myself.

The days are dragging on like they're never going to end. Every day just lasting an eternity. Just want the day to end so I can go to bed. But the responsibilities never end, kid, work, partner, life, you can't just switch off. Can not wait til my boy is in bed and I can have a drink. But I can't do that--work--fu*k.

 

If anyone is about, I'd love a chat, cheers all.

14 REPLIES 14

Re: Returning To Square One

Hey @saltandpepper, just wanted to pop in and say that it sounds really rough, where you're at right now. I can really sense how tired and frustrated you are. I hope that you're able to reach out and connect with someone today, be it here or through a Helpline. We're here for you regardless. 

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Returning To Square One

Hey @saltandpepper I know that it can be really difficult sometimes.  Is there something coming up soon that you can look forward to? Or some self care strategies you usually do in these times? I know having kids and mental health problems is really hard. But it sounds like you are doing what you can which is commendable.  I find that something as simple as a cold drink of water or a shower gets my senses going again.  It can help. I hope that you have some hope for what comes next as it can be amazing. 

Re: Returning To Square One

Hey @Jynx and @Former-Member  thanks for taking the time to reply, much appreciated.

 

@Former-Member I think my self care is pretty piss poor at the best of times. Sometimes I tell myself to just be ok with whatever mood I'm in and just ride it out but I feel too shit to even do that. I just want to hit pause on everything for a while--or skip ahead a few weeks. If you'd asked me a few weeks ago to look ahead and find something to look forward to, I'd say yeah, there's some stuff coming down the track. But when I'm in this headspace it's all a chore and it's all energy that I don't have. I don't look forward to anything when I'm like this, I don't enjoy anything right now.

 

I guess I should be better prepared for dealing with this, I should have strategies in place but I don't.

Re: Returning To Square One

hey @saltandpepper

sounds like things are tough atm hey. i would love to fast forward things or pause things sometimes just to catch my breath. when our depression is spiralling theres not usually much motivation or energy to really do anything at all so makes it harder to do anything.

i cna think of a few easy going self care ideas if you would like me to share some with you?

Re: Returning To Square One

Hey @outlander yeah 100% the no motivation and lack of energy thing gets in the way when you're like this. I should be getting some invoicing or some actual work done, but I'm in bed, being useless. I just don't want to do anything. At all.

Thanks for offering to share your self-care tips with me, would appreciate hearing them, thanks

Re: Returning To Square One

yeah i get the same way @saltandpepper its so hard to do anything at all even when we really need to. im often yelled at or frustrated at because im walking to slow or im being lazy or not doing what they want. usually im to tired or unmotivated that it affects everyone else.

lots of people think self care has to be extravagent but really it doesnt have to be.
it could be things like
-Taking a bath with some bath salts
-Having a cup of tea in the sun
-Having a longer shower
-Reading a chapter of a book
-Painting your nails or brushing your hair
-Watching an episode of a fave tv show
-Baking some cupcakes or a cake
-Making a nice meal for yourself
-applying some moistuiser or giving your hands/feet a gentle massage.

Re: Returning To Square One

@saltandpepper  Just dropping by with a very understanding ‘ I get it’. Try to hang on till the storm passes. 

Re: Returning To Square One

Hi, Some self care things that I try and do when I get in this stage is:

Listen to my favourite music

Go for a walk

Hit the beach or go to a nice lookout and enjoy nature

Do a bit of retail therapy

Hope these may be helpful.

Re: Returning To Square One

Hey all, @Karli @Maggie @outlander @Former-Member @Jynx 

Thank you guys for responding and leaving your suggestions re self care. I'm really struggling with the concept of actually doing anything at all right now. Even those little things. I just don't want to function at all right now. All I really feel like doing is throwing back a few tonight and going to bed early again. To be honest, I've been feeling pretty miserable and unmotivated the past week or so. Question: Do you guys get in this cycle of good weeks and then shitty ones? In the good weeks I just about forget I even have these shitty ones. Farout it's just a slap in the face every time this cycle starts again. Nothing seems to set it in motion--at least nothing that I'm aware of, but my awareness is terrible really so who knows.

When I'm in the good weeks, I get so much done and I'm motivated and I enjoy the Hell out of it. And now that I'm at the other end of the scale I've sort of shot myself in the foot with people expecting things from me re work. I really just can't be fu*ked with work right now, but in the good weeks I've gone and set a standard like I'm a productive person who is capable of functioning.

I take medication, I see a psychologist, I just wish things could be easier than they are. So frustrating that when you finally do start taking care of yourself and try to manage your mental illness, it's still not enough, you're still not normal. 

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