Lived Experience Forum

[brambles]

Hi, I’m not sure whether this is the right place to post this question but I’d really appreciate any help I can get.

I suffer from BPD but after years of therapy & medication I believe I’ve been able to control my symptoms and behaviour to a significant degree. At least that’s what I thought until my current argument with a close cousin.

The story is too long to explain in detail but the gist of it is that over the course of the past year and a half, my cousin has displayed a lot of self-destructive behaviours and I’ve had to pick up the pieces. It got to the point where it just got so exhausting and frustrating for me that I called her out on the things she was doing and how they were affecting the people around her and she got explosively angry at me.

To date, everything I’ve said to her has been caring and trying to help her but while I’ve written those things in messages (she lives in a different country), my heart just isn’t in it. I’m worried I may be falling into the BPD pattern of devaluing and discarding someone.

I know despite the things she’s done she cares about me and while she’s angry at me now, I think in her heart she wants to work things out with me. I don’t want to throw this relationship away but I’m just tired and a part of me really wants to walk away from this, as terrible as it sounds. This is obviously not an easy question but how do I stop these feelings and put effort into working out this issue with her?

[Heavenbound]

Hi @brambles, I feel so sad for what you are going through. It really made me think of people I have discarded because of the same reasons. I am newly diagnosed with BPD but the pattern has been with me for a long time. I understand that we all get angry with people be it family or friends. I'm sure she loves you and has appreciated you being there for her. I am sure you will find the right way for both of you to work this out. Take time, and don't be too hard on yourself. At the moment I am not talking to my sister who also suffers from bad depression. I too am feeling like I have discarded her as she is too much work for me atm. I don't need to be dragged down lower than I am. If the issue with her is eating at you and you blame yourself it will only bring you down. You sound like such a very caring person who just wants to help others who need it, I think you deserve a medal. Stay in that controlled place you have been in if you can. Be kind to yourself you deserve it. Many Blessings and remember you do have people here that care about you and your feelings. 

[Former-Member]

Hi @brambles

I have been in a position like yourself having to pick up the pieces time and time again because of my love for this particular person, and in the end it does becoming draining and frustrating as they keep doing the same self destructive behaviour time and time again (years in my case) against without thought for the advise given to help or how it's hurting those that love them. It was starting to adversely effect my own mental health. 

I called out the problem as you did and received the same angry response. I had to move away from this person keeping some distance (especially emotionally), as a result to protect my own mental health and happiness. But still letting her know I loved her but wasn't going to rescue her all the time.

Fast froward....We became closer as a result. She can now sees that a lot of the things I said to her (advised, called her out on), were true and she appreciates me more now that I backed off. She realised what I did for her out of love once I stopped doing it. That was my own personal experience. Sometimes we need to step back if our efforts are not helping them improve, and let them stand on their own two feet letting them work it out for themselves, as in the end it's only the individual who can make choices to bring about change for the better.

Your reaction is definitely a normal one. Most people would of done the same. We can still maintain a relationship but we don't need to rescue them all the time, otherwise they will never grow - just to let them know we still care whilst letting them work it out.