Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Hank]

I agree with you @Mazarita, locking someone in is abuse. Unfortunately, as I'm sure @soul, has experienced, trying to avoid conflict or even reason with someone with a MI so it doesn't get to that point is extremely difficult. In our house we've even had to call the police on our daughter. It must be truely terrifying when it is an adult as in @soul's case.

[Rockpool]

@soul I agree with @Mazarita I feel for you in this situation. You are right in saying it is controlling behaviour and even a bit intimidating or threatening at times perhaps. I hear you when you say damned if you do and damned if you dont. How do you cope with this?

[Shaz51]

@Rockpool

my childhood was mentally abused by my father and my mother is a very postive person

when we left that enviroment , I have learnt when to speak up or to be quiet

My mother in law is a very negative person

[Mazarita]

I agree and really feel for carers in that kind of situation, @Hank. I'm on the forum mostly as someone with MI myself (bipolar) so it's always helpful to get the perspective of carers. 

[Shaz51]

sometimes I wonder if my mentally abuse has gone into my adulthood on how aand when to respond @Rockpool

[Rockpool]

@Hank you've hit on such an important point here too..actually 2 important points.

One is the need for self-care. If you are in a situation like you have described where you are in the conflict for hours and in some case like you and @soul have highlighted where you are physcially prevented from leaving, you need to look after yourself here. Both in the moment and after the storm has past. Sometimes if things escalate too much we do need to call the police for assistance and while this is not something we want to do and it is a hard thing to do...it is perfectly ok in that moment to do this by way of looking after yourself and others that may be in the situation. Doing something after things have calmed down is also important in order to cope with the emotional exhaustion that follows with conflict of this intensity.

The second is the need to be heard. Your right in saying that at its core...everyone wants to be heard and validated. It is ok to retreat in the moment if this is what you need. You are able to validate and retreat by saying something to the effect of "...I can hear that you are feeling very frustrated right now and I want to talk about this with you, however I dont feel that now is the right time. We can talk about this when we are both in a calmer state of mind...". This way those feelings that have come up for the other person have been acknowledged and you have reflected that they have been heard, but now is not the right time.

[Mazarita]

Hi all, just had some news by email that the rental unit we are in is being sold. Need to go offline to talk about with my companion. May mean we need to find a new place to live. May be back before the end or maybe not. But will read everything. Thanks for what has been an interesting discussion so far.

[Shaz51]

We can talk about this when we are both in a calmer state of mind...". i agree @Rockpool

my hubby knows I won`t reply straight away as I start crying and I need toleave hime settle down and then I will sometimes say something and walk away , so he thinks about it and then later we can talk about it

[Shaz51]

Ok @Mazarita 

[Hank]

Thank you @Rockpool, being able to retreat from a conflict in a way that validates my daughter's feelings is a skill I need to embrace. I often retreat in away I know leaves her thinking I don't care. This is something I will really try and practice.