Lived Experience Forum

[Teej]

I’m so glad you are getting a reprieve today to breathe @CheerBear, although from what I just read that is not easy either. Nothing like not being able to breathe physically when you are trying to catch your breath mentally 🤧

Its awesome to see you holding together. You must have volcano island in your house just now, I’d say not just with you. I really am feeling for you. You are doing so well, I’d be 6ft under by now if I was in your shoes. 

I had had a rough week in the end, I think it’s been one of my messier ones. Yesterday I lost it completely. My volcano just kept erupting until I rang CATT as a last resort. It was not helpful at the time and I so desperately wanted to sh (actually suicide really) but I didn’t (doh I’m writing this) . They did however completely erupt my volcano until I was exhausted and physically not able to move and fell asleep. I was pretty angry/hurt at the call. 

I couldnt find much traction when I woke up. It all came back up again until my protective factor no4 came home unexpectedly. 

So here is what I would like to ask you and @Zoe7, @Sans911 and anyone else. 

What do you do when your sensitivities are sky high? What do you do when you get triggered because you are extra sensitive? I know when I’m there but it always feels bigger than me. It’s taken 6 days for my mood to be ok so I am able to function a bit. Even when I was in full emotion mind yesterday I could see the logical parts and that I was over reacting but couldn’t change it. Emotions trumped thinking again and I have had to ride it all out ........FOR 5 DAYS. I’ve been a complete lost cause. 

My trigger yesterday was the big ones talking of moving out again. I just lost it. It came on top of another shame dream and all I could think of is if I wasn’t so pathetic she would be happy to stay here. The shame ate me alive as did the fear of abandonment. 

I would love to hear anyone’s thoughts. I am ok today. I’ve only had 1.5 hours sleep but my mood is ok. I am going to the movies with my friend later today, so I’m trying the human thing 🤦‍♀️, not quite so 👸. 

[Zoe7]

Hi @Teej I have been out buying more plants and planting them today - slept most of the morning after not such a great night but pushed myself to get out and I am glad I did. Some days we need to really push ourselves - especially when we are flat so we dont fall too deep into that darkness - today was one of those days for me.

In answer to your questions Teej - it is difficult as we are all different. I have Toby that I spend time with - sometimes just a cuddle and other times I will brush him to keep myself busy. There are usually lots of tears too and lately I have been letting them flow rather than try to stop them. 

I think I have learnt a fair bit through DBT - none of it is really knew to me but focussing on specific skills at a time has helped. I do a lot of breathing through whatever has triggered me - letting my whole body experience the emotions I am having whilst trying to calm myself with focussed breathing - this has helped me a lot. It is something I practice everyday though and that makes it easier to do when I really need it.

Sometimes triggers are smaller and easier to deal with with breathing and other times they are all encompassing - when this happens I often shut down completely but the difference is that I allow myself to do this for a time and then look at what DBT skills I can use to get through it. This is not easy though Teej and takes quite a bit of forward planning for me too - and telling myself that it can get better but for now it is just shite. 

All of this sounds easy in theory but in reality it is so much harder. The biggest difference for me now is that I am in a better place than I have been for nearly 2 years and that is mainly because of the meds being more balanced and sleeping, flashbacks and nightmares have all improved. I honestly could not say if I would be in this place if they hadn't all gotten better - but I suspect I would still be in quite a dark place.

I don't know if any of that is actually helpful to you but more than happy to keep the conversation going and answer any more questions you have.

[Teej]

Hi @Zoe7. It was really helpful to read your response. Here I am sitting brain dead but wanting to acknowledge it. I think I have much work to still do. I am having a very confused time

 lately. So sorry for this response. I wanted to reply to you as I am grateful for what you wrote. I think I am trying to make sense of my world just now, a different person everyday. 

To you all who help me get through the storms.

[Teej]

@CheerBear I know you’ve been absent and I’m thinking things are really hard just now. I don’t need a response but to let you know I’m ......

💜🤗

[Zoe7]

I remember those days well when our brains just don't work and you can barely find words to write @Teej  So you have done really well. I also have a long way to go Hon and going back to work is going to be a major test. Triggers will be everywhere but unless I face them I will never be able to do the job I love. My pdoc always says to me that I light up when I talk about work and the kids and I am beginning to hope that I have the same passion when I go back ...I think once I begin I will find it again. The biggest thing for me will be finding a balance - I gave so much of my time to the job that I didn't know who I was without it and that has been something that has certainly hindered me dealing with my MH. I am starting now to prioritise things I enjoy and I need to carry that with me when I am back at work. That balance is so important in everything we do - that is one of the biggest lessons I have learnt over this current journey. Balance and routine also helps me in dealing with triggers - as if my focus needs to be elsewhere and I therefor don't have time to ruminate and let those triggers take hold, I was triggered today at the pool when someone (a male) from the care home took their bathers off right in front of me - instantly I fet sick but used the feel of the warm water to help soothe while breathing through it. I also had to tell myself that he didn't know that that was not ok. It took a few minutes but I was able to get back into my excercises. It is having that focus going elsewhere that is helping me. It doesn't always work - especially at night but I am beginning to deal with it sometimes and that is a major win.

[CheerBear]

Thank you for your flowers and thoughts @Teej and your message yesterday morning @Mazarita. And a hi to anyone reading.

Things have been hard and the last couple of days haven't been great. Unwell person took another turn and it felt like hope faded a bit in a way. There was a scary night that we were worried we would get a call to say they hadn't made it. The toll it is taking on the person staying with us is big and visible and everything inside me wants to take it away. I want to fix it but there is not a thing I can do about it. 

I'm tired and I'm feeling run down. My cold went into my chest and I haven't been able to go in to the hospital to visit. I kept thinking about the last time I saw them and how horrible the visit was. During the scary night I was worried that it would be the last memory I had of them.

I have been telling myself to just keep going, don't stop, don't dwell, take each day (each hour sometimes) as it comes and to stay positive, but there have been times when I've felt like I'm crumbling on the inside and I've been afraid that my own sad and scared 'what ifs' would pour out over everyone. Sometimes things get really overwhelming 😔. Knowing I'm no good to anyone if I crack has felt like even more pressure to make sure I don't. I'm trying not to bottle everything up but it's hard to find the middle ground.

We should have some news about exactly what is going on with unwell one soon (fingers crossed). I slept OK last night and my am feeling a little more hopeful today for it. I thought of the national geographic article you shared @Teej and that I have saved because I love, about hope. I remembered what it said about how through creating goodness we create hope, how hope can be found everywhere if we look, and how the more we see it the more our own hope increases. This paragraph in particular came to mind

My favourite potted pretty, my magnolia, has really struggled through the last few months. It is in desperate need of repotting and has looked almost gone at times. I was pretty sure I wouldn't see it flower this year but I've been watering it and moving it around anyway. This happened

It looked like hope (I'll cling to any of it I can get right now)

I haven't caught up here over the last couple of days and I'm pretty consumed with this stuff at the moment. I wanted to post because I feel pretty alone, even though I've had very little time on my own over the last few weeks. I think I could really use a hug (and a big box of tissues) today. 

[Mazarita]

@CheerBear, sad to read of your pain, and that of others close to you. Not able to say much more just now due to my own madness, but wanted to send you hugs as soon as I read this post...

[CheerBear]

Thank you @Mazarita ❤

💗 for you with your madness too x

[Teej]

Hiya @CheerBear. I’m sorry it’s taken this long to reply. I’ve had a busy day which has had a bit of everything in it. 

Im so sorry things have been so hard. I’m not sure if you’ve had news since your post so I’m a bit hesitant to write much not knowing what has/is happening.  

I loved that you loved that article too. I found these for you (in one of my 18 albums I’ve created 😲 🤭🤔)

I’m hoping things have taken a turn for the better and sending loads of hugs and strength your way. 

i loved your magnolia story, I have a soft spot for them too. 

Also sending some some of my garden cheer. 

Some self sown lobelia

Ive had lots to share about today but I know it’s not the right time. Some good news is that I got into respite for next week doing an art program. 

💜🤗

[Teej]

Hi @Zoe7. Finally responding to you too. I had a bit of a meltdown the other day (not because of your post). It’s taken a while to get back here. There was so much to love about that post. I hope that passion for teaching carries over again and it works out  (I’m quietly confident it will). I think that you probably know yourself better than ever before and will make good decisions re how to manage that balance. I think that one thing we get better at with experiencing mi is that we understand ourselves and our limits better, there had to be some positive out of all the suffering. 

I so admired how you coped with the pool incident and that was inspirational for me to read. Well done you. All your hard work and perseverance is paying off. I’m learning lots about the human spirit from you of late. 

I ended up talking on the helpline line yesterday and that helped me get to the bottom of some stuff that I didn’t realise was all connected to my previous posts and was so helpful too. I’ve had almost a human day today 😊. I had a very emotional session where i had to confront things from the past but feel like it was a step forward too. 

I hope your your day was ok. I’ve only read this thread tonight so I’m not sure what anyone is up to. 💜🤗