Lived Experience Forum

[Azboxfta]

My ex left me in Jan 2016 (16 months or so ago)
I fought for a month to win her back, to save my family (2 girls under 5)
She refused said too much had happened and that she'd never forgive me for the things I had done and completely breaking her as a person
The next 12 months I drank heavily, dated a lot, slept with a lot of wemon and completely self destructed, it culminated after Xmas with two hospitalisations due to SH
It was then I was diagnosed with BPD for the first time, I began reading and learning everything I could, seeing psychs that specialise in it, it's been 4 months and for the first time in a decade I'm stable, the anger and aggression is gone, I'm working full time again, stopped dating and just focusing on me
I seen my girls yesterday, the ex asked if I wanted to stay for lunch and make a family day of it
So we had a nice day, good time with my babies.
I go home and get a msg from the ex saying that she sees the change in me, and thinks I'm doing so well for myself
But she then adds, another 6 months like this who knows what could happen between us, but no promises
This upset me, as it was all I wanted over a year ago, but now I feel as though she left me because she didn't want to support me through the hard times, now that I'm healthy she wants to maybe try
I don't think it's fair, she seems to only want me when I'm good, not at my worst.
I sent a msg earlier to her and said, I feel that I will always be judged for my past behaviour, and that I'll forever feel pressured to be the perfect guy, and I feel it's best we just stay serperated
After sending it I started thinking as usual, that maybe this is just my extreme fear of abandonment kicking in, pushing her away before she can do it again if I relapse.
But I'm also aware I'm actually quite happy on my own now, sort of like I've found my inner peace
I dont see my daughters very much, I struggle with fatherhood, I support them financially but I'm not in their lives very much
I see the relationship very black and white, too me we're either together or we're not, I feel 6 months of maybe if I continue my treatment will just add pressure too me that eventually build up and trigger me again, it already is
Any advice as I'm confused right now

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Azboxfta,

It's great that you've made some positive changes in your life. 

I don't know what happened for your relationship to end in the first place, but perhaps your ex ended things as a way of putting boundaries around behaviour that were negatively impacting on her. It doesn't mean that she doesn't love you, or stopped loving, but perhaps she needed to step out of the relationship to care for herself. As cliche as it sounds, I'm a big believer in self-love before you can give love. It's important that we know how to love ourselves.

What might be helpful here is to reflect back on what happened for the relationship to end? Have these things been addressed? 

[Azboxfta]

Her mother was involved in every aspect of our lives (her husband left her). It was like a relationship with 3 people, she was always in my face, and constantly tried to take my parenting responsibilities from me (it's one reason I didn't bond with my daughters when they were born)
I'd come home from work and she'd be there, everything I did was wrong, couldn't even cook the meals i wanted too, as if she didn't like it we couldn't eat it. She would criticise my parenting constantly, in the end I refused to speak to her, when she was over at our house I would lock myself away in the study and not come out till she had left.
I spoke to the ex many times about my issues with her, the ex wouldn't have a bar of it
I was struggling inside, had become a shitty partner and had a lot of PTSD from issues at work (I was involved in a riot, fire and in several assaults) I had stopped functioning mentally
The ex left as my anger was completely out of control, I would go off at the drop of a hat.
The anger has been sorted, and I haven't had an outburst in over 6 months
But the mum has now moved in with the ex, they live together. (She was trying to move in when we weee together, I wouldn't allow it)
I can't deal with the ex mother in law, I can't stand her as a person and certainly wouldn't live under a roof with her

[Azboxfta]

I was verbally abusive daily, hated my life, didn't want to be there, treated her like shit
It wasn't always like that, I progressively got sicker and sicker, the meds etc weren't helping
I deteriorated significantly, especially after the riot

[BeHappy]

@Azboxfta

Great work on making some big changes.

If you were to get back with your ex, what would you need to make it work? Doesn't seem that being in a tense environment with the mother would be helpful. Would your ex be willing to work on this?

[Azboxfta]

I'd need to let go of a lot of the past history, I carry it all with me
The mum will always be there, she's not going anywhere

[Owlunar]

Hi @Azboxfta

As a divorced-for-a-long-time person I feel that when you are feeling confused and there is a third person in the marriage - eg your mil - it is not a wise thing to make a decision without a lot of thought and some couples-councelling

I agree - your ex seems to want you back when you seem better - but MI is a condition to be managed rather than an injury to be healed - and time will tell

My suggestion is not to make any decision right now - wait and see how things happen - and refuse to go back into the relationship with your mil in the picture

It takes two people to make a marriage - both people enter into it and both people interact with each other and both are responsible for the breakdown - all the years since I separated from my husband I have searched my heart and know I certainly was hard on him - he was lazy and I was a shrew

But things can be worked out - both people need to work on it

All the best

Dec