Lived Experience Forum

[Miss-wish]

Hi Everyone,

I was just wondering if other people felt like their life was just one big cycle of abuse and trauma? From a very early age, I was subjected to physical and emotional abuse from my parents. I was sexually abused by my grandfather, it seems like I have been preprogramed to attract  abuse and trauma from everyone around me. almost everyone I have let into my life even in adult hood have either, physically, mentally, sexually abused me or tried to take over my life by control. This even includes people working with my family via disability supports.

I know I can talk to the blue knot, but I'm worried that could effect my family if I have a break down, so it's not something I'm ready for yet. 

How does everyone else handle this as well as everything else in your life. I have been told I'm supremum dealing with 3 kids with ASD and other things, as where I see a house falling apart and a family that is only just keeping it's head above the water. 

[NatureLover]

So sorry to hear this, @Miss-wish  😢

I know that I needed a few years of therapy to deal with my childhood (actually lifelong) trauma. It's still ongoing but I received a lot of healing through my psychologist validating my trauma and abuse. 

Do you have a counsellor or psychologist? Preferably a trauma-informed one?

[Miss-wish]

@NatureLover unfortunately a psychologist and her business was involved in some of the trauma I have received. I was able to lock most of my childhood trauma away for 40 odd years, it's just recently in the last few years I have been getting triggered by things happening, people saying things and the worst part is it can sometimes takes days for what's been said or done to trigger. I don't know if it's because of the extra stress I've been under or the extra people being thrown at my family due to NDIS or that I can't find people to understand my complex family. I just can't seem to close the door again. 

Is it sad that I want to go back into survival mode and not have to think or feel it anymore?  

.  

[NatureLover]

Hi @Miss-wish , my understanding of trauma is that it will surface when it wants to 😢

I'm sorry to hear you were traumatised by a psychologist. That shouldn't have happened.

I hope that you will maybe reconsider a counsellor or psychologist. I tried for 18 years to find one that was a good fit and yes, I got hurt in the process. But the two I found after those 18 years (one retired) have really helped undo all that.

Good luck...

[Miss-wish]

@NatureLover Thankyou for your support 😊

[Bow]

Hi @Miss-wish  I go through phases where I believe that I was ‘marked’ at birth to be abused. All the stuff that has happened to me can’t just be coincidental.

Content/trigger warning

I was SA as a child by other children for a number of years. I was then SA by a family member when I was 12. By a family friend when I was 22 and then went through a horrific assault a few years ago. 

how is it possible for one person to have so much bad luck??? Or is it bad stuff just happens to bad people???

I don’t know the answers I’m sorry. Just know that you’re not alone. 

[Miss-wish]

@Bow in my adult life I started saying that I had a tattoo on my forehead saying "only d*ckheads need apply" about my relationships, then I realised that I was attracting abusive people to me that were similar to my family. 

I know we  aren't the bad people, it's just what we have grown up with as the norm and I think that what makes us easy targets for bad people. 

It has gotten to the point for me that I have shut myself off from having another relationship, and if I do ever have one, it will be when my kids don't need me anymore. now that's going to make me around 80 and I'll be in a nursing home by then

[Spiffy]

Hello, I'm new here but wanted to respond to your post. I have  C-PTSD. Early childhood trauma effected me so much I didn't know what safe relationships were or what boundaries were. It took many years of support from counsellors and psychologists to stop the cycle of trauma. It's tough work but will change your life in a positive way. While you are learning and processing your trauma you are still trying to be mum and support three kids, this is incredibly exhausting and you need all the support you can get. If you feel that your voice is not being heard from disability providers reach out to disability advocates who work in this space to help you. NDIS is very complex and challenging. Make sure you have the right team to support you and your children.  

[Miss-wish]

@Spiffy thankyou so much for your reply and welcome 😊, I am meant to have a support coordinator, but I can't find one that understands or will to listen or not try to take control of my family and make every decision for us. 

I think it time to contact the blue knot and get support, I just worry that I'm going to fall apart and my kids will suffer because of me. 

[Spiffy]

@Miss-wish. You have a right to interview support coordinators. There are some amazing skilled support coordinators out there and unfortunately alot that are not. You also want someone who is trauma informed so ask this in your questions. Be honest about your needs as this should be your safe space. Good luck with it.