Lived Experience Forum

[GavinW]

Relationship of 10 years + … BPD partner has made great inroads to self acceptance and am proud of him for it … but when he goes fully off the rails he pushes every trigger he knows will make me react badly … then when I DO react badly everything is my fault.

love him to death but really can’t see a way forward other than to remove myself from the situation 

I have had 10 years of screaming [removed by moderator] and have done my absolute best ( which I admit has not been good enough at times) but am just at a total loss what to do.  My words to try and deflect outbursts (whist sometimes not well chosen) just get met with further points of argument 

we are about At breaking point, which is the last thing I want but I am at a loss what to do otherwise 

I am constantly told everything I say is wrong but it’s really only the parts he doesn’t like, then ww3 starts ….

giving up seems the best (safest) option but I don’t want to …

any thoughts on how to deal are much appreciated ❤️💔

[tyme]

Hey there @GavinW ,

I'm hearing you. I hear how difficult it is living with someone with BPD, let alone how difficult it must be for your partner to live with the turmoil day in, day night.

At no point should you experience abuse. That is not okay. We encourage you to contact 1800RESPECT. If you feel unsafe, please contact 000.

As someone who lives with BPD, I know first hand what these episodes of rage can look like. For me, I was beyond reasoning when I was upset and triggered. I lashed out. And yes, regrettably, I hurt a lot of people. Put it this way, the people I was closest to were the ones I hurt the most. I blamed everyone else for many years. So much so, I moved interstate on my own and soon realised my issues followed. In other words, I was the common denominator - the issue was mine. Only then did was I ready to seek help.

Does your partner see that there's an issue? Or do they think it's your fault?

[GavinW]

He sees there’s an issue but it’s MY issue .. my upbringing- contain all drama within the house … his upbringing- absolutely everyone within hearing distance deserves to hear his every minute issue 

once the screaming reaches a certain level (ie everyone in the neighborhood can hear it) i shut down… simply cannot and will not deal with it - I am embarrassed to the point of wanting to move 🤷🏻‍♂️

[tyme]

You know what @GavinW ? I'm speaking from someone with BPD. When your partner starts getting angry and screaming, the best thing is to walk away - go for a walk, get out of the house etc. This is what helped me because there was no one to scream at anymore! I hated it back then, but that is what helps to de-escalate the situation.

HOWEVER, this should be communicated and agreed to beforehand. e.g. "Next time, when something happens, I think it's better I give you some space. This is because I care about you and I don't want to do something to damage our relationship. I recognise it may seem it's my fault, so maybe it's good to give you a break and I'll check-in with you after. What do you think?"

By asking what they think, you are empowering them. For me, when people told me to do something or was going to do something TO me, I got very triggered and angry. I remember my psychologist would always use the words "I invite you to....." Instead of telling me to do something. This meant it was in my hands to make a difference.

You see, how i see it is that borderlines are so emotionally out of control at times so that they do what they can to re-gain control, esp of things in their environment (this is just my perspective. It may be different for your partner).

At this time, please take care of yourself.

[tyme]

Hey @GavinW , I'm not sure if you got the tag in the above post. I forgot at first and added it later. To the post above is for you 🙂

Let me know if it's too confusing.

[blackmonstera]

I agree with @tyme. Best thing to do is to just walk away when your partner starts screaming.

Do you guys talk about the issue/ outburst when your partner has calmed down? 

It takes lots of efforts not just from you but from your partner as well. 

I don’t know too much about your situation nor I’m a therapist, but living with BPD and seeing a couple therapist, my suggestions are you guys should agree/ come up with a plan of what to do before/ during/ after the ourbust:

1. when your partner is feeling upset, could he acknowledge that he is upset? and say “I am not in the right headspace to talk now. Can we talk later? (the more specific the better, instead of later it could be 8am tomorrow for example)

2. when he is upset, you could explain to him that you are sorry and didn’t mean to hurt him. Choose another time to talk later.

3. when he is feeling ok to talk, he can let you know he is ready and you will be there for him.

just a few suggestions from my experience. You can also look up 4 horsemans in relationship: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling and their antidotes - practice communication avoiding these 4 horseman. 

Hope everything is better for you ❤️

[GavinW]

Quite frankly, I’ve done that ..  “safe space” when I need time out … doesn’t work !  If I close myself away .. the space is interrupted…. If I exit then I’m followed- screaming at me up the street .. screaming = major trigger for me ….  Public = embarrassment … he doesn’t care …. I think leaving is the only option I have left 🤷🏻‍♂️