Lived Experience Forum

[msanonymous]

Hi, 

I've been living in a deep depression for the last 8 years. I've struggled with self harm and attempted suicide numerous times, and I can't remember the last time I actually felt anything other than anger or sadness. I'm only 18, and the first time I attempted to take my life, I was 11. I'm on here because I want to know things that have helped others break out of their slump. I've tried therapy years ago, but quickly stopped when my parents yelled at me because my mental health was costing them, and they weren't seeing fast enough results. I've tried so many different things to break out of my slump, but genuinely cannot find the motivation to seek new ideas or keep them up. I'm unmotivated in life, I have zero interest in the things that used to make me feel like me, and even though I pretend I'm doing better, I'm getting worse. 

Nobody in my family listens or asks me questions. The only time anything was brought up was when my mum, out of the blue, asked if I was over 'slicing' (cutting my wrists). Every time I try to bring up how I'm feeling I'm told it's just hormones and 'we were dramatic teenagers once too'. I'm pushed away, ignored and left to try and change in a home environment that isn't doing anything to change either. My feelings are invalidated to the point where I feel shit for crying or not pretending to be the 'happy, grateful' daughter I should be in a family that treats me like I'm a burden and a disappointment. If I'm not angry or sad I genuinely feel nothing. It feels like my chest and brain are hollow and I'm a mannequin forced to watch everyone else live their lives. I have felt this way for so long, 8 god damn years and I fear it will never change. 

I'm scared if something doesn't change, ie.my mindset or habits, or even just the way I look at the meaning of life, I'll resort back to self harm, something I was told by parents was a selfish habit. What has helped you or a loved one re-find themself? How do I even start to learn to re-love myself? Am I just a dramatic teen? Is there hope for me to come back after all these years? 

[NatureLover]

Hi, welcome, @msanonymous . There is definitely hope for you. I am so sorry though to learn of your suffering the last 8 years, and your parents' ill treatment of you 😞

What helped me was a few things...starting multivitamins...finding an excellent therapist...and stronger anti-depressants prescribed by a psychiatrist. 

The therapy over many years has given me a lot of healing from childhood/lifelong abuse, and the meds saved my life from severe depression and SI (suicidal ideation). 

There's no way you're just a dramatic teen. Your parents are denying how serious your MI (mental illness) is - I mean, the depression. 

I get that you still live with your parents 😞 so are limited in what you can do. I don't know if you are up to moving into a share house and so getting out from under their negative influence, and being able to start therapy. But I would at least visit my GP and start meds if possible. 

An important forum tip is if you type @ and then click on a name in the drop-down box, that person will get a notification and won't miss your reply.

Good luck, and we are here to support you @msanonymous ...

[tSeFcu5sb5fXdF9]

I kind of relate with your experience. There was no real sense of support in my family when I grew up. I never had conversations with my family members or felt a close connection with them. I felt like I was neglected emotionally.

When I got older, my sister noticed I had depression & helped me get treatment. The psychologist didn't help much but the medication did. During that time she mentioned that I could come to her for help about anything.

I tried opening up to her a little bit more to be comfortable chatting. I remember she was dismissive of what I had said & wasn't interested in understand or talking about it. That was a quick lesson that I couldn't be open to her about everything. I never tried opening up to her after that.

I also relate to what you said about feeling hollow & watching everyone else live their lives. For me it's due to the anti-depressants. They block all emotions.

I feel like the way to "find yourself" is to have a sense of community in your life. Such as having friends & loved ones that you feel a strong connection with. I personally don't find it easy to make close connections with others. Maybe it requires a lot of therapy or maybe you have to be lucky to find the right people.

[tyme]

Hi there @tSeFcu5sb5fXdF9  and welcome to the forums. Thank you so much for sharing what you have experienced. It is certainly very helpful.

@Former-Member , perhaps the response above was for you? 

As a hint @tSeFcu5sb5fXdF9 , if you want to tag someone into you response so they get a personalised notification, you can type "@" in front of their name. e.g. @tyme 

We look forward to seeing you around on the forums!