Lived Experience Forum

[MisterAnxiety]

Hello to whoever may be reading!

I'd like to introduce myself here to the community, it's been a long while since even engaged with others online but now I'm open to share my story so far.

I'm 28 and have been diagnosed with major depression, generalised anxiety and ADHD. My mind has not been on my side for 15 years now and it's completely ruined my quality of life. 

So basically, my long term partner and I live in literal poverty. A dirty, old farm house in the middle of rural Queensland, we both work full time jobs but with the cost of commuting and being behind on bills leaves us barely affording to get to work let alone have any kind of a life, live to work essentially or we are on the street within a fortnight. Don't have any savings, assets or really much personal possessions, we both started from living at home and left with just the clothes on our backs and have been clawing our way up trying to get our lives in some kind of order. It's chaos.

My day begins at 5am in anxiety and a stomach full of dread, it's made me quit all other jobs I've had. It really doesn't seem to have a trigger, it never has, but it takes a mountain of energy just getting to work and trying to put on some kind of upbeat mask just to get through it. Every fibre of my body is screaming, hands shake, sweating like crazy, just ready to fight or flight and all I can really do is put on some classic 80's music or something on the drive and just hope it leaves.

I wish that's where the anxiety stopped. For the past 3 years consistently now, just seemingly being perceived or being in close proximity to other people is literally physically and mentally exhausting. I can't even stand catching up with the one friend I do have or my own family for longer than 30 minutes before it all becomes too much. I cannot stress enough, I'm trying to think positively and control my breathing, making sure I'm not hungry or thirsty, basically anything I can think of to stop it from flaring up but it is numerous times daily and it hasn't been this bad in years. It's like my mind sees every other person as a threat, whether it be a customer at work, my colleagues, people driving past, people on the phone, it's gotten so bad. 

It's gotten to the point where I no longer even crave affection, attention, companionship or anything from anyone other than the 4 people in my life. When everyone is seen as a danger, even though you know it's not right, I swear it's enough to drive you half mad over time. There's plenty of times during the day that I think about either hurting myself or others and the anxiety turns into an extreme paranoia, it's a vicious back and forwards but I really really hate it all.

I just want to be able to stand even being with my own thoughts and function like a normal person.

[tyme]

Hey @MisterAnxiety ,

Thank you for sharing. It sounds like you have deep insight into what's happening for you. I read of the impact of anxiety on your daily life, and I can only imagine how much harder that is when you barely have enough money to live.

I read that you have practiced breathing when you feel anxious. At least that is a start. I'm wondering if you have spoken to a GP or specialist about what's happening for you? They may be able to offer suggestions such as anti-anxiety medication or therapy.

Something else that may be helpful is https://www.mindspot.org.au/ This is a free online service which may be helpful if you can't get to services easily.

I used to struggle with anxiety. I think I stayed home for about 2-3 years. I hid from the world. Eventually, it was anti-anxiety medication, and talking therapy that helped me get back to living.

Please take care. Once again, thank you for sharing.

[MisterAnxiety]

Thank you Tyme, I'm sorry you've had to deal with it too, it's certainly not a good time! Unfortunately, mental health isn't really a concern to d
octors where I am, I'm currently on my 6th different medication which is apparently supposed to help with depression and anxiety, I'm more than willing to try anything at this point but it's just finding one that works for me 🙏🏻

[ArraDreaming]

@MisterAnxiety

I just want to say thanks for reaching out, we sounds really similar I’m 28 also and struggling with the cost of living also, the way you describe the anxiety you feel before work nearly made me fall off my chair. I haven’t read a more accurate description of that before, that rings so unbelievably true for me, I feel that on a daily basis before work.
I don’t know what to say right now because I’m a bit shocked at how similar some of our experiences sound, but just thanks for sharing… I hope you can find support here like I have

[nervouswreck]

Hi @MisterAnxiety , far too much of your story hits close to home for me as well.  I'm trying to fix it with medication and looking for a job that hopefully fits my needs better.  Not sorted out yet.

[tyme]

Hey @nervouswreck , good to see you.

Hope you are okay.

Any thoughts on the above posts @MisterAnxiety ? Sounds like there are certainly people who can relate to what you are saying.

[MisterAnxiety]

Hey, it's nice to know someone can relate to this, kind of helps. Though I am sorry, I'm sure it hasn't been easy for you too. Hopefully you find some suitable work soon!

[MisterAnxiety]

Jay5 I am honestly just as surprised that I'm not the only one too! I'm sorry you're feeling it just as hard before work, it's a constant battle just holding a job down. Hopefully we'll find some new ways of working through it on here

[Appleblossom]

@MisterAnxiety 

I agree your description is evocative.  I have felt a of anxiety in my life and just kind of managed it for decades before i could even name it, let alone describe it.  The forum can be interesting, in many ways. We learn new things, meet new people, and if like me you hang around for ages .. lol ... you end up having some old friends.  I moved a lot as a kid, so that was not an option for me growing up.

I tend to romanticise country living, but I get that its tough.  Keep up the fight.

If you press the @button, the names of people who have contributed to the thread ... pop ... in blue hypertext and then if you tag them they receive a notification and know you mentioned them.    Eg @ArraDreaming think above post was for you.