Lived Experience Forum

[Steve2]

Dear Support Group Coordinators,

I am writing to seek guidance and support as I navigate a very challenging situation at home. My wife has been diagnosed with both Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED). (or well was in the middle of a diagnosis and the phycologists was trying to narrow down which, I am not 100% on, more on this later)
We have a young child, aged 3, who is witnessing and being affected by these extremly intense episodes at home.

The episodes of anger and aggression from my wife often follow any form of criticism or feedback, no matter how minor. An example includes a two-day-long episode of verbal, emotional, and physical outbursts stemming from a mundane discussion about car maintenance. (I simply asked her to please get her tyre changed, and to stop driving around on a spare tyres (highways and all) In addition to the emotional toll, these episodes have escalated into physical violence, with me being hit and now bitten, leaving visible marks and bruises.(I made a bad choice, something my wife asked me to try was giving her a hug during these episodes - that was not a good move and I have learnt my lesson from that) This last bit of physical violence was my fault. I know that now. 

During these episodes, our child is understandably distressed, often trying to jump into the argument with expressions of love, which is deeply concerning to me. (it was one of the saddest things I have witnessed, Mummy I love you, please stop yelling at daddy) I could have cried.
My attempts at communication—reflective listening, offering physical comfort (really bad move), and logical discourse—have been met with resistance and have not been effective. I simply do not have the tools to deal with this, I don't know what to do? I'm trying everything I can think of. 

Post-diagnosis, my wife stopped attending therapy sessions, which leaves us without professional guidance. T
Having said this - after last weekend - she is seeking to restart these sessions. And I asked for her to make me an appointment with her therapist - Perhaps he can give me some guidance? 

The fluctuating dynamic of our relationship, and threats of divorce during every minor argument, has created a cycle of instability and fear. I can't say anything to her - Even if it is something important like please don't drive on a highway with our son in the car with a spare Tyre. 

I am seeking advice on how to better support my wife through her episodes, ensure the safety and emotional well-being of our child, and get her the support she needs. Connecting with others who have faced similar situations, to share experiences and coping strategies, would be invaluable. I would love to find a local support group that I could attend to help get some better tools to deal with this - Plus I really don't have anybody in my life I would like to chat to this about. So I am kinda doing all this alone. 

Any assistance or resources you could extend would be greatly appreciated.

With gratitude,

steven2

[hanami]

Hi @Steve2 

I'm so sorry to read about what you're going through right now. What a horrible situation for you all. From what you right, while your wife is struggling, the first priority is to keep yourself and your child safe. I'm sure you're aware of this but wanted to check if you are up to calling The domestic violence helpline: 1800 737 732?

I think that is the vital first step. I agree you definitely need professional guidance. Your wife needs to get back into therapy. You sound like you are a kind, loving and supportive father and partner and want the best for your family. Are you able to remove your child and yourself from the situation for a short time. At least until your wife's therpy can restart?

I hope some others can add their care and support here.

Hanami

[Steve2]

Thanks for the words! I've thought about separating myself and my boy from the situation - However - I really do worry that If I do that - that's it. We won't save the marriage if that happens. I'm not sure why I have this worry and why I believe it to be true. I have this gut feeling - If I make that move - its over. 

So I'm trying my best to keep it together. I love my wife a lot! When she isn't having (an episode) without a better choice of words. She is an amazing partner and mother. When this happens - She's not there anymore. 

But yes - I know - With the violence showing up - I am taking everything much more seriously now - and pushing her to get back into therapy. (when she was going - things were actually getting better - I've never met this guy - But I love him lol) 

[hanami]

I totally understand that @Steve2 . I'm sure you're keeping yourself and your son safe and will be a good judge of removing yourself from the situation if you were in danger. It's so sad isn't it, that your wife is such a great person when she is not having an 'episode' (for want of a better word I agree). 

I can also understand you saying you love her therapist!

Hanami

[JLucy]

Just reading your post made me think of the havoc I have at times created for my children when I've been unwell.  I have both Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder, just as your wife has been diagnosed with, and it's no walk in the park.  With medication and therapy, as well as doing a lot of research myself, I have reached a point where I can manage my disorders fairly well, although sometimes I don't manage them as well as I'd like to.

I understand your frustration at your wife's apparent unwillingness  to carry out certain tasks, but from experience, I know that when I'm not well, every little task seems enormous and overwhelming, even brushing my teeth.  Changing the car's tyres for eg might be something your wife finds difficult to even contemplate doing. 

In my opinion your wife most definately needs to be in therapy.  It sounds as though the situation at home has become untenable, and obviously the wellbeing of your son is a huge concern. Therapy for major mood disorders like Bipolar are usually treated with medication, ideally in conjunction with some type of therapy (eg DBT and CBT). The therapy part of it helps people gain insight into their condition, and gives them the necessary coping mechanisms and skills to manage their disorders. 

When I've been completely manic or psychotic, in hospital, it's often been that the  medical staff have treated me almost as if I was a child.  I don't recall these instances, but my daughters do:  there was one occasion when I was shouting and demanding medication and cigarettes, and was told by my nurse that if I didn't calm down, my children would not be allowed to visit me. On another occasion when I was holding a lighter to my hair threatening to burn it unless I got whatever it was that I was demanding, the staff threatened me with a long stint in solitary confinement unless I stopped what I was doing. I understand now that under the circumstances, the staff were entirely justified in their actions;  they have to resort to certain measures when a patient is out of control.

I mention this because it seems to me that the welfare of your son is at risk, not to mention that if this situation remains unchanged, or worsens, over a long period of time, you may be unable to cope and your marriage may fall apart. That's why I think you need to put your foot down and be as tough on your wife as those nurses were on me in order to get her to agree to go for individual counselling, for you to be involved in her care, and to take the necessary steps to acquire insight into her condition, how it affects all 3 of you and to learn positive coping mechanisms.  I'm not suggesting you threaten her, I'm saying you need to put firm boundaries in place. 

I applaud you for joining this forum, trying to understand your wife's behaviour and asking for assistance - you're obviously very concerned about both your son and your wife.  Not all partners stick around when mental illness enters the picture. And perhaps, when children are involved, they shouldn't always stick around.

I hope and pray that you find the necessary resources for both you and your wife and that life soon returns to something approximating normalcy for your little family ♡

[Steve2]

Thanks for the reply and sharing your story. I think you touched on something that makes a lot of sense to me now. Yes maybe I'm not taking into consideration she "can't" get these mundane things done. I'm happy to help her - but she struggles to ask for that help and just says no I can do it. 

I get the interplay there of wanting to - but maybe not being able to. 

That helps a lot actually. 

But yes - I am pushing for her to restart the sessions - and I really want to either go to one myself with your therapist, or a separate on - whatever - to help learn what I am doing wrong to escalate these situations. Or go with her - Not sure what the best move is there? 

thanks again 

[MissMuffet]

Hi @Steve2 

Sorry to hear you're going through this. I haven't got any assistance or resources to offer, but I do have a different perspective to offer (and feel free to disregard completely if it's not helpful to your situation).

I haven't had experience with BPD or IED per se, but I have had emotional outbursts at my partner about things, especially when I'm feeling overwhelmed. It sounds like she might need support and compassion, but you might be running out of that, understandably.

Do you have capacity to help her with those practical tasks that need to be done - for example, with the tyre you said it was for your son's safety, she may have felt it was an attack on her ability to be a good mother. Would you have been able to change the tyre for her or take it to be changed?

If it's criticism she is feeling then perhaps she needs you to do some tasks for her because she is not coping and feels like she can't do anything right. It might seem like a simple enough thing for most people, but in the throws of overwhelm everything can seem like a mammoth effort.

Of course that is only one example, and as others have said, please look after yourself and  make sure your son is safe.

As I can only speak from my own experience, stress can make us behave irrationally, and preventing stress or minimising it can help in reducing outbursts. When I am struggling emotionally, the best way my partner can help me is to take some things off my plate, whether than be going to the supermarket or making dinner, or doing other chores around the house. The more I am expected to do the harder it is to be civil and not react to anything that could be perceived as criticism. I know that sounds like asking a lot, and being selfish but just remember that people don't choose to behave this way, especially if they have complex mental health issue. There is a person behind the outbursts.

Having said all that, I hope you can get the support you need to be able to support your wife. Looking after yourself is just as important as looking after others.

[JLucy]

Hi again

Sorry to be so late in responding. I've just moved and am taking things slowly.

I can hear how hard you want to understand, and how committed you are to helping your wife and protecting your son. Just to give you some perspective, about 80% of marriages where one person has bipolar ends in divorce. The figure rises when BPAD is added to the mix.  Living with someone who is unable to regulate their emotions and who has volatile, emotionally angry outbursts is no walk in the park.

I think that your wife needs to engage in some therapy on her own. DBT is the best for learning to regulate emotions and gain coping skills. I also think you need to read up a lot about both her disorders, and see a psychologist to learn what you need to do in your situation & what's best for the whole family.  Talk to the psychologist you see, and ask him/her about couples counselling.  It may or may not help in your situation.

She needs to understand that whilst you are committed to supporting her, she needs to put in the hard work too.  I don't know how good her insight is vis a vis her diagnoses - if she's aware that she is causing major stress in the family or not.  If her insight is poor, she'll probably be reluctant to engage in therapy.  That's when you need to put your foot down:  She goes for counselling or you leave.  I don't like the idea of threats, but I've been very unwell but didn't realise it, and my partner had to literally put his foot down very firmly.  He left it too late because by the time I started counselling, i was delusional and he was exhausted, so he left. And he was a good man.

I think you should take charge of the situation before you reach the point where you'll be so depleted of energy and so emotionally hurt that you decide to leave.

The more counselling she does, the more she'll be able to regulate her moods. She'll learn things like mood journalling which I've found really helpful, and will be able to spot what her triggers and stressors are. Once she can do that, there's no reason that things won't improve a great deal.

Meanwhile, unless she starts to comprehend how seriously she's affecting you and your son and willingly does something about it, you'll have to be strong, firm and resolute ... counselling or else......

It sounds harsh, but as someone who knows what it's like to lose everyone I loved, including custody of my 2 children, I wish someone would have been firmer with me before I drove everyone away and I was left homeless and alone.