Lived Experience Forum

[Sandor55]

It’s been a big 18months and the aftermath of being in a fight/flight response for this whole time is taking a toll now. I think it started when my younger (36yo) brother had a stage 3 rectal cancer diagnosis last in May last year. 
My uncle recorded a terminal cancer diagnosis and my cousins husband commit suicide. 
My grandfather then deteriorated rapidly and ended up passing away after a few months in hospital. Followed 6 months later by my grandmother. Both were like parents to me. They were elderly and that meant it wasn’t unexpected, but still quite sudden and terribly sad and hard amongst all the other family turmoil. They had always been our rocks. 
All of this was on mums side of the family. 
She obviously did not cope well at all. 
I have been to so many funerals these past 18months. 
Had so many aeroplane flights, traveling to support family and attend funerals and see people for the last time. So many hospital visits. 
I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I love and want to support my family and would do anything for them but It’s been so taking. 
Everything is different now. Most importantly, brother is recovering well! 
I can’t seem to get myself out of the funk though.. I feel teary and sad and tired. 
I miss my grandparents. And worry about my brother and my uncle and my cousin. 
I really struggle with my mum.. she was obviously very impacted (loosing both parents, he son and brother both having cancer diagnosis) and she was on edge all the time. Very irritable, understandably. I had/have very little ability to let this wash over me as I am also so weathered from it all. 
I just want to retreat and stay away from it all.. I don’t know if that’s smart or not. 
It’s just taken so much out of me and I struggle to have the energy to enjoy things. 
Im hopeful this will pass with time. 
hard not to feel guilt about feeling this way.. things are better now than they have been for many months.. life isn’t as heavy with family trauma but I feel emotionally exhausted and fragile. 
I am sensitive to the undercurrents of worry still underpinning the family… it all impacts me as I have little resilience left now. I have given it all out to others. 

[tyme]

Hey @Sandor55 ,

It sounds like you have been through the mill. I can only imagine the physical and mental toll it has been on you. 

You have every reason to feel the way you do, yet I can see that you feel something is not quite right? I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling teary and have lost the 'zest for life'?

If this has been going on for an extended time, it's probably good to speak to a doctor or professional about it. 

I'm wondering if, in the past, so much was happening that you didn't have time to even think about how it was impacting you. But now, since things have slowed down a little, you've really felt how much the events of the past few years have impacted you?

Please know you are not alone.

[Sandor55]

Thank you for your lovely reply. 
I do know that I completely neglected my own well-being throughout.. it was put aside to be there for others etc. and had I let myself really feel the extent of it then, I would have been no use to anyone. 
I know that’s why it’s coming up now. 
I am definitely happy to seek help if the feelings are ongoing.. just wonder if people recovering from similar periods of trauma have found laying low helpful, or seen this as withdrawing and not a healthy way to manage?
I’m sure there is no right way but my desire is to really lay low and in a way withdraw a bit.. this is not easy to do though with everyone’s expectations of you, especially around Christmas time. 

[tyme]

So true @Sandor55 . I was only chatting to other members about Christmas. It seems that there are so many expectations during this time. However, in reality, it is a VERY difficult time for some people. 

I certainly found Christmas difficult in the past. 

Please just know you are not alone. You are feeling this way with good reason. We hope you feel supported while you connect with people on the forums.

We are real people with real experiences.

As the Community Lead, I'll also send you a quick email.

[Krishna]

Hi @Sandor55 such a huge amount of suffering these past 18months your family and yourself have had to endure. Now is definitely the time for you to step back a little and focus on some loving self compassion and care. Lots of rest and gentleness for yourself to reset the hypervigilant mode you’ve been in for many months. It’s definitely okay to do that, in fact necessary for your own mental health and well-being. Time to take good care of you 🙏

[Sandor55]

I’m normally so good at this but it’s particularly hard this year and around this time as people’s expectations of you are high at Christmas. My absence I know makes people worried or disappointed which in turn makes me feel guilty. 
They are all managing their own grief too so everyone’s feelings are heightened. 
Christmas is normally such a joyous time for our family.. we were up at the hospital with my brother last Christmas

(trauma +++) and this year has just needed up being hard with everyone’s expectations to make it a good one after last years terrible time. 
I know things will improve with time. We are just in the thick of it at the moment which is odd being rang all the acute side of it is now mostly over.  

[RiverSeal]

Hey @Sandor55 

Thank you for your post here on the Forums and for sharing with the community!

This time of year can be challenging for so many reasons and I hear that it is for you. Staying connected is important in recovery and I encourage you to use the Forums whenever you feel you want to share something or reach out for support. 

Take a look at this post for some suggestions on where to connect with other Forums members: 

• Looking for a space to connect with others? Find a... - SANE Forums

I look forward to seeing you around here on the Forums!

Take care

RiverSeal