Lived Experience Forum

[L3G10N]

Hi, We haven't tried anything like this before, so lets see how it goes.

We are L3G10N, and we were offically diagnosed with Dissosiative-Identity Disorder relatively recently.

For anyone who is unfamiliar with DID, It used to be known as Multiple-Personality Disorder.

Obviously, this was initially very shocking for us; especially after we started researching it, and realising how much of our life could be explained because we were living it.

We had been living over two thirds of our life so blissfully unaware of what was actually going on in our head, and in such unbearable pain because of that.

Thankfully, we have an amazing psychologist, who has been guiding us through this very complicated way to exist.

At time of writing, there are 18 known alters in our system, and like many other systems I imagine, we don't always agree on how we should live, and we don't always get along, or even trust each other sometimes.

We're getting better at working together every day, and we even have people in our lives who still love and accept us, no matter which one of us is fronting. For the first time in our lives, we feel like we know who we are, and we don't think we could express how good that makes us feel. Maybe hopeful?

Living with this Disorder is so difficult, and draining, and confusing. There are a lot of days where we're so dissosiated, we can't figure out who we are, or even remember what we did during the day.

Anyway, we could keep writing for hours and barely scratch the surface of it all. The reason we're here is because we want to talk about this, broadly with anyone who wants to, but more specifically with other people living with DID. We want to know how other systems are, and hear they're stories.

There's still so much about living with DID that we don't know how to feel about because we have nothing to compare it to, we don't really know any other DID systems, so we haven't really discussed this with someone who knows what we're going through.

So, if anyone on here also has DID and would like to talk to us, please do.

We don't really know how to end this so..................... 

[tyme]

Welcome @L3G10N - thank you for sharing! Your post is very important for the community to understand more about DID.

Honestly speaking, DID is very new to me, so I'm glad you have opened up and shared your experiences.

I hear the emotions and experiences that come with DID. At the same time, I hear the supports you have in place to help you navigate some of what is happening.

Thank you,

tyme

[In-come]

Dear L3G10N,

Thank you for posting here. I think it's really brave of you (and everyone else who have posted here).

I don't have DID but I had a friend with DID, years ago. I didn't understand them then... now I do somewhat ... as now I know more, and have experienced more.

I am glad to hear that despite the disagreements within, your system is building on a better communication and that you are experiencing more safety - more than ever before. What a sense of freshness!!! ... I imagine.

Dear L3G10N, one thing I've heard once upon a time and it makes sense to me is - that one day all parts should feel safe to come home, to be at home, home - the Self. It seems to me you are all working together towards this ... return.

[tyme]

Hey there @L3G10N , the incredible post above from @In-come was for you. 

It would be great for you to read it.

Hey there @In-come - thank you for sharing your insights. It's great to have you join us on the forums.

[L3G10N]

The last part made our primary caretaker weep a little with joy, she loves us all so much it hurts her sometimes, but all she's ever wanted is for us to be together, even though we're forced to be somewhat seperate. So from all of us, but especially her, thank you for this message @In-come. We might not all be home for a while, but at least now the door is always open

[The-red-centaur]

@L3G10N I'm part of a system. Tbh I hate it. I hate us. It's hard and it's draining. The core doesn't let me out much. But they're tired and overwhelmed. I often feel trapped in here, we all do. I don't think my core will ever be OK and I get scared tbh.

But we so our best 

[L3G10N]

Hi @The-red-centaur,

Thank you for messaging us, we're sorry to hear that you're system is struggling, but we want you to know that you're not alone in this, and that it's okay for you to feel overwhelmed.

We struggle still, in spite of how much better we feel, we still feel exhausted, we still get overwhelmed, and we also feel paralyzed or trapped by simply existing like this.

We can't know your systems specific situation, or how to help your systems parts, but please don't give up on yourselves.

We don't know if our system has a core at this stage, but what we can say is that almost all of the alters in our system were at some point Persecutors, but after a concerted effort to bargain with and try to understand them without pushing them away, they have stopped hurting other members of our system, and some have even become our strongest Protectors.

Every alter has different wants/needs in regards to healing from their trauma, and figuring that out is both time consuming and frustrating, but none of you are beyond hope of getting better, and we hope you all find a way to co-exist without fear.

[NatureLover]

Welcome, @L3G10N , it's great to have you here!

I hope your post gets noticed by other members with DID. I've learnt a bit about what it's like living with DID from other members on here who have moved on now. 

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@L3G10N wrote:

Living with this Disorder is so difficult, and draining, and confusing. There are a lot of days where we're so dissosiated, we can't figure out who we are, or even remember what we did during the day.

---

Something I learnt on here was that dissociation is actually a bad thing. I don't have DID, but have always dissociated as a response to childhood (actually lifelong) trauma. For me, it was a safe, numb place to escape to. However I learnt, as you wrote above, that dissociation for people with DID can be devastating and confusing as you can lose huge chunks of your life 😢

Please feel free to share more 🙂

[NatureLover]

Hi and welcome, @In-come ! It's good you've joined. 

Just letting you know that an important forum tip is if you type @ and then click on a name in the drop-down box, that person will get a notification and won't miss your reply.

Hope you enjoy being on the forums 🙂

[L3G10N]

Hey @NatureLover,

We wouldn't describe dissociation as a good or bad thing, at least not as we experience it. At the end of the day, dissociation is a defence mechanism, a way for the mind to keep itself safe in the response to trauma it can't handle.

We do agree however, that it shouldn't be relied upon solely, and grounding is something we struggle with.

There are also many different levels of dissociation, and the circumstances that lead to DID levels of dissociation are almost always depressingly grim. We didn't even realise how much we were dissociating until our psychologist gave us a more detailed definition of what dissociation is, we just thought we were an especially vivid daydreamer with the vague idea that we had more than one voice in our head. Of course it makes more sense in hindsight.

As for the chunks of life missing, we spent most of our life before now inconsolable and miserable, according to our limited shared memory. We realise that we'll have to remember the trauma that we each carry eventually, if for no other reason to process the events emotionally, but everything else feels like it was experienced by someone else, so we don't miss those memories much.

Again this is just from our perspective, every system is different, and experiences across systems can vary wildly from what we understand. 

Thanks for the message.