Lived Experience Forum

[BPDSurvivor]

@Snoopy56 @Judi9877 @Michelle9 @NatureLover @WIP 

I totally agree with @WIP , these forums have helped a lot during COVID. It was, and is, so much harder accessing outside services during COVID and the demand is great. At least I know someone is always online here, even if it's 3am!

BPDSurvivor

[Snoopy56]

I am overwhelmed with the responses I have got.   I apologise for the delay in responding.  I wasn't in a very good head space later in the day.   

[Snoopy56]

Thank you for the kind words of encouragement. 

There were a series of events prior to Covid-19 that caused me to spiral down during March to May where I destroyed almost all the paintings I had created.   I haven't painted since then.  I know that my BPD and OCD get in the way if I don't think a painting is good enough.

I used to make jewellery with glass crystal beads but I haven't done any for over a year.   I was told I made lovely necklaces and I should sell them.   Well,  I found people expected to get them for next to nothing.  I couldn't sell them at the markets, I tried teaching ladies how to bead but that didn't last long. 

One of my favourites is tap dancing but I can't go because I don't drive,  I have to rely on public transport and classes are at night,  I am too scared walking around the neighbourhood.

I don't knit or crochet, being left handed as I grew up it was too hard as no one could teach me.   Cross stitch or tapestry never appealed to me. 

What I am trying to say is my creative side has taken a dive.  I have lost that passion to give anything a go.   No body cares as there is no body in my life.   I feel like I am in permanent isolation even when I travel by train to the Psychologist every week.   I have learnt to distrust people so I have this barrier up so I don't get hurt.   It felt like a my world went crashing down when my son disowned me and has prevented me seeing my granddaughter for 2 years now.   So many people have let me down. 

[Maggie]

@Michelle9 @Snoopy56  Welcome.💜💜💜

[BPDSurvivor]

Thanks for sharing @Snoopy56 ,

It does sound like things have been difficult. Although you may not be able to sell the things you have made, do you feel okay to just enjoy the feeling and process of making them? The repetitiveness of some art and craft tasks have shown to be therapeutic in that it sends a calming effect on the body eg diamond painting, crocheting, knitting. I know you said you don't crochet or knit, but would you like to? You seem to be very talented and crafty.

 In terms of friends, I encourage you to keep reaching out here. You don't need a guard or barrier because it is anonymous. I guess this could be a step in the right direction to practising the skill of reaching out? Having BPD myself, any changes needed baby steps. I couldn't just walk into a crowd of people and introduce myself. The interpersonal skills were first practised between me and my therapist. Over time, I transferred these skills to one or two people outside...I haven't been able to fully generalise to everybody yet. That will come. As I said, it takes time. BPD can't be 'cured' overnight.

I urge to to stay in touch and perhaps you can use these forums to grow in yourself.

 All the best,

BPDSurvivor

[Snoopy56]

Very wise words.  It is going to take a lot of therapy to undo the behaviours I have acquired along the way.  

Was there a point in time when I was truly happy? I haven't got there yet.  I let myself be used, abused and even threatened for over 30 years before my mind exploded.  Domestic violence doesn't have to be physical, in my case it was controlling, emotional and the growing fear that my ex would fatally hurt me froze my ability to be me.

[BPDSurvivor]

@Snoopy56 ,

It's hard. These relationships are very damaging. I guess now it is about moving forward. You can only make changes to today. What do you think is something you can change today to help you?

Living in the past means your ex still has control of your life and it doesn't sound like you want that.

Please don't think you always need to be "happy" - that's a fallacy. Life has its ups and downs. 

You are stronger than you think. Your inner strength is waiting to shine.

BPDSurvivor

[oceangirl]

Hi @Snoopy56 

Welcome to the forum. We are friendly bunch here and you will find like minded peope. I love your name Snoopy, my first dog was named Snoopy. I love dogs and cats. I have two dogs and they are so beautiful. You can move forward in your life and heal- one step at a time. Thank you for reaching out here. How do you spend your day? Action is the key to move forward and I know you are strong. You always have us here.

[Former-Member]

Hi there,

Because I'm new and clearly technologically challenged beyond the pale I don't know how to send individual messages, but I'm looking for friends also (I don't have BPD), I mean REALLY searching hard on the Internet haha so if you want to chat, please let me know : )

I'm gonna play devil's advocate here maybe but sometimes I have a strong reaction to how people phrase things..I personally would not like anyone to tell me I "NEED" to make friends because it can come across as focusing on the negatives, like you've done something wrong? I would imagine your psychologist also wouldn't be that happy to be told what they need haha jk but asking if you think you would enjoy having more people to talk to might have been more helpful - it's about what you want, not what you may not currently have.

[Maggie]

@Former-Member  Welcome. I’m technically challenged also, being from dinosaurs land, so you are in good company. 🦖🦕

The @bring the dropdown that is how we tag each other. Just tap on the name, or names you want to tag.

It falls into place with use. Take care.