Coping with negative/suicidal thoughts.

[Former-Member]

Morning, hope youre feeling better.

So many uncertanties on the horison for me - its impossible to be fully equipped for every variable I guess. I had a wave of suicidal ideation (SI) yesterday:  Dad was sitting in the mottled sun on the veranda, normally he only does it for 20-30min but yesterday he stayed out there for 3hrs. Had morning tea there at 1030 then i took out lunch @1pm. In between i was doing my journellling, & DEATH thoughts crepe in:
(1)  'what if he's died out there?" How stressful that would be. What would i do? - walk away & have a coffee? Jump on his chest like i did my girl? (couldn't handle that again). Call the undertaker? the police? the ambulance? lifeline? What then? They cart him away, like tjey did my girl... ... What then - do i follow? I know what is. Do i call for help for me? But who? My family, all of them - they just make everything harder. Maybe I should just go through the motions & tell them all once the funeral is organised. All that bitchy stress with mum's funeral last January, its just horrible. Craaaaaaazy stuff! Then after I've organised the funeral to function without me, should i just go and 'let the dead bury the dead' And then what? 

THAT'S WHEN BLACKDOG STARTS TALKING:

¶ "you can't handle this, look at you'

¶ "just kiil yourself, right here on the couch. Make a statementto your destructive siblings they'll never forget. Besides,

¶ what have you got to live for anyway? What's waiting back homehome for you?

¶Your ife is over.

¶Nobody wants or needs you anymore.

¶ nobody can love you, besides,

¶ look at the physical pain you  suffer - thats juat gonna get worse you know... ... ..."

¶ could you handle care workers seeing the mess you've made of your body?..
....  ....

Thoughts, they're there but ehy do we pretrndctgey are not?  I'm so glad when Dr Phil taught me about internal dialogue. My girl liked the Lizzy McGuire showsshows where here thoughts came out in a cloud cartoon character lol. Thoughts are powerful because they cause us to form beliefs. Beliefs change howvwe see the world (CBT).  But thoughts are not facts. I think they are like dreams - our soul trying to make sense of the wor

Anyway, before i knew it - i was formulating a self harm plan 😞 this is where i get frightened andand usually stop myself from 'gathering the means' - i fear once past that point there's no coming back...

Does anyone else get this?

i dad does die and i just get in dad's car alone and drive 1200km to an empty house... this is not goodgood, a BIG trigger - especially after burying someone 😞

Or maybe i can grab a cheap tour and travel with the money mum left me. Let the vultures do whatever it is they had planned without me...

You know, all their carryon to be dads guardian,,,   they couldn't even visit on his birthday, or come to the RSL with us that night. Dad & I  met bro1 (he's wheelchair bound with MS,) only 10min from my sister's  for lunch - but still she wouldnt even drive 10min to see Dad, or big bro. So pathetic!

Dad's gerentologist has advised me to apply to be dad's legal guardian / POA, but i am lacking confidence. Even though i'm doing everything... I donno
- what if i dont cope?
- and does someone with suicidal thoughts do anything? Should we do it alone. I would rather have joint guardiaship with someone responsable & fair & rational... not fighting all the time... My sister and big bro refuse to go joint guardian. This is crazy - x5 siblings and not one of us are fully well / equipped for the task. 

I just don't know.

[outlander]

 hi @Former-Member i really hope that has passed now. its sounding really hard for you atm.

it gets really scary when the plans come into place and i have been there before and tried to get the past of point of no return obviously i wasnt successfull. please please reach out for help if you need to. do you have some regular supports in place for yourself? carers aust im sure would be able to help you out too but not entirely sure, youd have to email/ring so they can get the full story.  you cant do it all on your own, please get some help and support for yourself too. 

Lapses with your little girl i am more than sure you did everything you could have. in those moments you dont think about whats right and whats wrong you think how the hell do i help. that s the same with your dad, you cant tell when thins will happen and again if your around im sure youll do everything you can think of in that moment of distress to help. the good thing about mobile phones is you can put them on loudpeaker so you can talk and do what you need at the same time.

sending lots of hugs @Former-Member

[Former-Member]

Thanks @outlander, nice to be heard. I think i'd let my dad go (if he's not suffering), he deserves that much dignity. Usually ppl are taken by ambulance and it happens there. Time wilk tell.
It just ferls that day is closer, not sure why how i know, his decline with mum gone i guess. The grief ❤❤❤

[outlander]

@Former-Member its hard to watch those we love suffer and deteriorate and feeling isolated and alone can make it much worse too. You might be alone physically but you have all of us here ❤

[Former-Member]

Maybe ❤

[outlander]

How are you holding up @Former-Member ?

[Former-Member]

Wow, can't believe its been so long since I felt the need to post on this thread. Sorry @outland er I missed your last post here - cute pic 🙂

I came to say, was just thinking, reflecting on suicidal thoughts associated with selling my home and putting dad in respite (which could 'kiil him' I'm told. Two big losses on the horizon. It makes me concerned if I will cope or crack and give up.

Then, it occurred to me all the many times I was so close and didn't

- 17yo Home attempt, pills, stupid stuff, slept a day but woke up and nobody knew

- 30yrs ago, tired of everything, miscarriage, victim of violence, nobody to talk to. Drove to the highest lookout I knew, but God spoke to me "give me a chance with you"

20yrs ago - all too much - victim of violence, broken engagement, miscarriage... - nobody to talk to - big breakdown - messed things up forever that year - total of 16wks hospitalised and somehow survived. Lost all my friends and my family gave up on me underneath 😞

- 15yrs ago divorce, had two children and couldn't, but the terrible thoughts to erase even my genes from the world. This I told nobody and shocked i'd ever even think it, even if it seems you'd save them from a worse fate. Nobody talks about this.But I pulled out strength I didn't think I had for my kids and we survived

- 07 years ago 😞 my girl suddenly died to asthma, at only 13 😞 Hmm, another 4+2 weeks hospitalised, and yep, I was so alone and in too much pain for so long. If not for the impact on my son... well, you know... Thing is, I survived!

- Now, mum died January, dad 84 has dementia & a medical ticking timebomb - I'm caring for him, but have to put him in respite to go sell up / clear out my home up north,as under contract (finally).

Will I cope with this year?

Well,
If my track record is any indicator... chances are...
- I'LL SURVIVE THIS TOO

It just crossed my mind.

So glad I have somewhere with real people to share this stuff. Thank you all, especially @Faith-and-Hope, @Owlunar, @Appleblossom, Outlander, @Adge, and @Former-Member s, and so many more...

[outlander]

@Former-Member despite all the odds you are still here. the things youve had to endure and still do yet you continue to fight is a sure sign your a fighter
Dont give up on yourself cause we arent. A true survivor

[SleepyPanda]

Dear @Former-Member

You have had a lot to bear, your courage shows you are a strong, brave and an inspirational person. You have shown that it is about taking one day at a time and trying to focus on one issue at a time. Take care of yourself, keep safe and keep on sharing your experiences on the forum because you are helping so many people by showing everyone what true strength and bravery looks like.

Best Wishes and thank you.

SleepyPanda

[BlueBay]

Oh @Former-Member my heart feels for you so much. You have gone through so much trauma loss grief and despite all the heartache you have survived. 

Reading your story gave me tears. 

Sending you a big warm hug. 

You are such an amazing courageous person. 

Lots of love ❤️❤️❤️