Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[SBE]

I’ve been worried about my brother who has been depressed for many years. He has self medicated with legal and illegal substances, alcohol, marijuana. He had been self prescribing for years. He has tried ending his life before. He was recently in a mental health facility and was discharged with new diagnoses, BPD, ADHD, medication and a mental health care plan.

He is struggling with the effects of the medication, feeling brain fog and is worried he will lose his new job because he can’t think and lose his house. I’m just worried about him. 

I don’t know how else to help him. I know the psychiatrist prescribed medication is so important but don’t know what to suggest. He says he can’t go to the psychologist as the one he clicks with are only open 9-5 when he needs to be at work.  

I’m trying to think of what other support services I can offer to him, I think him talking to peers would be good. I think life coaching could be helpful to build skills such as resilience and finding new ways to feel happy without alcohol/drugs, but I’d need to convince him to do this. I feel like when I just talk I am not sure if he listens, and when I listen I don’t know what to say.

Ive been through similar issues with my dad and it is so hard to see the same thing happening to my brother. I also feel so much guilt, how can I help more? I am always so worried he is not going to get better. 

[Friendlyflutter]

@SBE 

Thank you for sharing your story with us. 

It can be really hard to see your family member go through such difficult times. 

Speaking to psychiatrist about the effect of medication can be helpful in this case, as they might have better understanding of symptoms, how common they are and how to manage them effectively. 

Just a suggestion. 

[SBE]

Thanks for the feedback.
Do you have any advice for how to support someone, when you have suggested areas of support or things they could do previously and they just don’t do them, either because they feel overwhelmed or stuck.

How can you try and convince someone to get the support they need and to try different avenues of support?

[8ppleTree]

Hi @SBE 

It can be very stressful when loved ones don't want to seek help in the ways we would like them to. Especially when it is impacting us, or their relationships around them.

Other than being patient, providing options and support with those options if necessary, and discussing what the barriers to those supports are, if the person doesn't want to engage, that is their choice. 

You can come from a place of love, you can provide clear written steps. You could get glitter, KFC and pump the tunes on an afternoon drive on the way to a psych session? What does your brother find fun? Acceptance can be a big part of the journey.

Is he worried about stigma? What would be the point where he would be willing to make changes in his life? Does he just need a break before he tries again? Does he know the impact he's having on you, due to your history with your father? 

Don't forget to take care of you, too 🙂 

[SBE]

@8ppleTree 

Thank you - I think the fact that it is their choice not to engage that I really struggle with. 

I had a long text conversation as a way of trying to communicate with him. It went ok, I tried to ask open ended questions to just get him talking to try and maybe provoke a different way of thinking/

When it came down to it and asked, 'what other support services are you trying besides the medication?' He said he has spoken to a few doctors, psychs etc but doesn't want people knowing his business. I suppose he isn't ready to open up and I do fear that medication only covers one small part of what is needed. He needs the other aspects such as understanding different ways he can create habits, approach an issue with different perspective or learn different relaxation skills.

I provided a bunch of resources from forums, to online groups to face-to-face groups, podcasts etc. 

The point where he would be willing to make changes in his life - I'm not sure as he had multiple hospital stints and close calls.

Sometimes he does say sorry, I won't take up any more of your time etc. But I haven't articulated the impact he's having on me. I suppose I feel like he would think I am being selfish as my life is more stable than his.

I suppose I just have to set boundaries about the time I provide to him, I have said to him if he is ever feeling the very dark thoughts again about not wanting to be here to please call me or if I don't answer to call lifeline or 000. 

I suppose I can't control a human being, even though I am so worried about him, I can't make him do anything.

[tyme]

I'm sorry to hear the impact of this person's actions on you @SBE . I hope you find a way to protect yourself. It sounds like you have tried your best but they are simply not ready to engage.

However, please know that even though they are not ready to engage now, it doesn't mean this won't change. They may come to a point where they will finally reach out.

[SBE]

Thanks @tyme and a good point raised that they may one day change even if not ready now.

[tyme]

@SBE , 

There has to come a point where they are ready. That was for me too. It took me 15 years before I was really ready!

We are sitting with you.

Please look after yourself.