Oscillation between two mind sets

[creative_writer]

@tyme I know, but sometimes I feel like my professional supports don’t believe in me. I get being chronically in a crisis won’t allow you to effectively work with clients. But I’m no longer in that state anymore

[creative_writer]

I’m in bed and I’ll pretend to sleep but cry instead. I don’t know what’s the point of this post

[tyme]

Please know I'm hearing you. I may not have much to say, but I'm following on. @creative_writer 

[Former-Member]

Hey there @creative_writer 💜🌺 I hope you’re doing better now? 
🫂🦩

[creative_writer]

@tyme @Former-Member I had to cry it out. It’s miserable having to do it alone and I have to do it quietly or they’ll ask questions. I don’t think my parents are comfortable with my emotions anyways. I rather just be alone and lonely then be around people who judge me, because that loneliness is worse. Alone is safe

[tyme]

Makes sense @creative_writer . Loneliness can be so painful. 

At the same time, having people around all the time can be draining. I know I've certainly felt this way in the past.

Maybe it's about striking a balance.

[creative_writer]

@tyme what’s the point of being around people if you’re going to be lonely anyways. Ending up alone is hardly the worst thing in my brain. I actually pull away from people who I feel want me to be their everything instinctively. It sounds awful. I do have enmeshment trauma.

It legitimately makes no sense to me. So much worse to feel lonely around people than feel lonely on your own. I have no idea how to strike a balance. I don’t relate to people all that well. Maybe I needed older friends, maybe I’m too mature for people my age

[tyme]

For me, I realised loneliness was a state of mind. @creative_writer . Not sure if this makes sense to you. In other words, even when I was around a lot of ppl, I could still feel lonely. 

Now, I'm alone, but I'm not lonely at all.

[creative_writer]

@tyme all this time I’ve tried to suppress any lonely feelings that come, but sometimes it’s hard to. I can’t even cry in peace. The masking is the hard part. I can’t even connect fully with my supports. Like nobody is safe. I don’t know how I ever will find a safe person, so I sort of gave up trying. What’s the point trying to achieve what feels impossible? So I became independent, and I’ll hold my ground, it does make it hard to reach out for support though, I rather not need support. But I’m afraid if I take that mindset to my career I’ll burn out after a few weeks. The idea of debriefing terrifies me. I rather trust no one

[tyme]

When you feel ready, it sounds like there's a few things you need to work on to help you push past what's holding you back. I recognise it's not easy @creative_writer , and it may terrify you. Yet in order to move on, if something's not working, then it's time to commit to change - not until you are ready of course.

Hugs