Lived Experience Forum

[eudemonism]

@Sophia1

I've still got delusional thoughts lurking around my mind, when I'm off of medication they explode into a massive ordeal, an cause me huge amounts of stress, but for the time being, medication is keeping everything settled. 

Eude 

[eudemonism]

@Sophia1

How are you going today? Is everything alright? Are you feeling well? 

I ask because today has been hectic for myself today. I been up since 1am and have got quite a bit of stuff on my mind, every time the car breaks down, I start making delusional accusations that I direct toward friends, there is also a tricky story I create that goes with it, the people involved, the motives, the repercussions I'm dealing with, when really it's just routine maintenance. I think it's because I'm so reliant on my car, it means so much for my independence, and it's apart of my image and identity. 

I've got too fix the idler pulley... 

There's been a few triggers today (someone talking about negative stuff from the past) and my mind is now  playing tricks on me, old delusions, old paranoia, and associated visual and audio hallucinations, all in the persecution area. 

I got my thousand dollar advance, because I was anticipating a mechanic bill, but have now decided to do it myself. I'll be stressing until the car is fixed, I'm gonna spend the money as wisely as possible, bye using it to reduce future expenses.

[Sophia1]

Hello @eudemonism

I am feeling quite drained at the moment....I had a very quiet day today and am off to bed soon for an early night....hopefully if I can catch up on some sleep I will have some more energy tomorrow...

If you have been up since 1am you must be feeling quite high wired ....your mind being overactive with delusions and hallucinations would be disturbing for you....as you said...old paranoia...

I am not sure if you have thought about this or not...alcohol withdrawal would be adding to your symptoms....

make sure that you have support....

I can understand your car being very important...your means of getting out of your living environment....shopping...catching up with family ....other friends....hopefully your car is fixed soon and that will alleviate your stress...

any advance on money always has to be paid back at some stage...very wise of you to think about reducing future expenses...

I hope that you have some enjoyment this weekend...

also that you too have a good sleep tonight...

Sophia

[eudemonism]

@Sophia1 good morning. I hope you feel better today. I've noticed when I'm having a good or bad day. Others are quite often experiencing the same thing. Each day is basically the same old stuff happening. Eude.

[Sophia1]

good morning @eudemonism

Our moods definitely can be affected by others...

as well as what is happening in our lives...

your car needing work has a huge effect on your life as you mentioned previously...

you are also giving up alcohol which will have a huge impact on your mood for the first few weeks....Has anyone explained this to you?  You could ring the mens helpline  or if you are using AA they might have a helpline...to talk through side effects...help you have a backup plan and some support...

My mood has been very much affected by my physical limitations...creating restrictions on my going out and starting new interests....looking for support groups...

I too had a very bad day yesterday with old patterned thinking...memories of past traumas ...

I let the tears flow then reined them back in when husband returned and waited until a suitable hour...not too early to go to bed....I was up and down like a yo you for some time..eventually getting a sound sleep...laid in this morning until 9am...my mind feels far more rested....

The feelings are in the background at the moment and that is ok...they can stay there ...I have acknowledged them..

I am thinking that I am going to suggest a short drive this afternoon to get me out of here...

create a distraction....go to a place that is calm....near a lake or the ocean I think...my environment helps ground me...I can practise some mindfulness there too..I shall have to see how the days pans out ...

Thank you for thinking of me....I don't talk about myself very often...I learnt from an early age to be very independent...

Hope that something in your day brings a smile to your face....a chuckle or deep laugh would be even better...

a few tunes on your harmonica or guitar?  does mister howl along when you play...a jamming session would be great..

speak soon

Sophia

[Sophia1]

good morning @eudemonism

Our moods definitely can be affected by others...

as well as what is happening in our lives having a strong effect...

your car needing work has a huge effect on your life also as you mentioned previously...

you are also giving up alcohol which will have a huge impact on your mood for the first few weeks....Has anyone explained this to you?  You could ring the mens helpline  or if you are using AA they might have a helpline...to talk through side effects...help you have a backup plan and some support...

My mood has been very much affected by my physical limitations...creating restrictions on my going out and starting new interests....looking for support groups...

I too had a very bad day yesterday with old patterned thinking...memories of past traumas ...my non existent self-esteem that I have slowly built back up...the patterned thinking telling me that I was loathsome and full of self-hate....horrid isn't it..

I rang lifeline....rather than take a prn....I was a mess....it helped me get through a certain time period...my husband was out at sport...so when he is away...I seem to allow myself to release my emotions...

I reined my feelings back in when he returned and waited until a suitable hour...not too early.. to go to bed....I was up and down like a yo you for some time..eventually getting a sound sleep...laid in this morning until 9am...my mind feels far more rested....

The feelings are in the background at the moment and that is ok...they can stay there ...I have acknowledged them..

I am thinking that I am going to suggest a short drive this afternoon to get me out of here...

create a distraction....go to a place that is calm....near a lake or the ocean I think...my environment helps ground me...I can practise some mindfulness there too..

Thank you for thinking of me....I don't talk about myself very often...I learnt from an early age to be very independent...

Hope that something in your day brings a smile to your face....a chuckle or deep laugh would be even better...

a few tunes on your harmonica or guitar?  does mister howl along when you play...a jamming session would be great..

speak soon

Sophia

[eudemonism]

@Sophia1 alcohol withdrawals are pretty straight forward. Going without is not a problem. The problem is avoiding triggers which make me pick up again.

The dog used to howl when I play a tune on the harmonica, but not very much anymore, he just chill and relaxes these days, I was teaching him some tricks just before, he's getting good.

Yea psychical limitations aren't good... I often wonder how you're going and dealing with the changes, but don't really know what to say about it. How limited are you? How much restriction have the changes caused? Did the operation make it better or worse? Eude

[Sophia1]

Hello @eudemonism

Good to hear that you do not have alcohol withdrawal symptoms....

triggers are hard...especially if they come from people whom you still see...as in their attitudes or their own drinking...

how are the AA meetings working out? 

how is your car behaving now?

I can't walk too far or stand on my feet for too long...gravity...body weight causes stiffness and aggravates pain level...

I thoroughly enjoy going to the pool...although I hate getting ready to go and loathe even more getting out of the water at the end of each session ....freezing....zzzzzzzzz cold....hot shower at home then lay down helps...

I am slowly improving just not at the rate that I want which frustrates me...I am my own worse enemy...

My movement has improved more than a couple of weeks ago which is good when I look back to where I was...

I had a tumour removed near my spine that was also wrapped around 2 sections of spine which were removed and replaced with a rod and screws...

I am struggling with my depression though.....this is what is the hardest at the moment for me...I am used to being very independent and active even when I isolated myself before...have been very upset about my "family member"

today was bad again...not as bad as yesterday though...

my younger son rang last night which was wonderful...catching up when he is free next week..

I have a session with my psychotherapist tomorrow so will talk about stuff again tomorrow...

necessary to get the stuff out...rather than bury it...which is how depression started all those years ago...

lovely that Mister used to howl...he probably would again if you taught him...neighbours might not like that though laugh..

good that you are teaching him new tricks...dogs love that...you truly have a great bond with him now...both of my sons and I are devout animal lovers...loved having our dog who has been gone a long time now...she used to talk to me and I would talk back...drove my mum up the wall...

thanks for the chat...thanks for thinking about me and caring...asking how I am...

speak again Eude

Sophia

[eudemonism]

@Sophia1 I definitely dislike seeing anyone in pain or suffering. What do you think the long term recovery will look like? I'm hoping you recover well and are able to function well.

The meetings are few and far between, I attend when I need the support, or when things get on top of me, it's the triggers that get me.

The car issues will be a simple fix, I just spin out when the car needs fixing, I think it's because I'm responsible for maintaining it.

Yea your son... How's that coming along? Any progress to report? I was thinking that there might be some rationale behind all this abnormal behaviour, i seen the theory of deconditioning the other day, and wondered if it would help your son. Is there some positive points about your son, his situation and your relationship with him? Eude.

[Sophia1]

Hello @eudemonism

I see the long term situation with back as positive....have not got a clue ....physiotherapist has an holistic approach with which I relate strongly...

it is more my getting through the depression....then continuing to push my exercise in the pool...

I see my neurosurgeon after having another MRI in a couple of weeks time...I think that is to make sure that nothing has grown back and his handiwork is secure...the tumour was benign by the way and is not expected to grow back...

so mind stuff is what I want to work on with physical stuff as all connected...

I thought that AA group meetings connected you with someone who can ring you and check in on you...plus you can ring them if you have triggers...that is what I heard a long time ago from someone anyway...

as for family member...he is totally delusional when phoning now...text message content same...icy tone voice on phone...I barely get to say much at all...I mainly listen because I know that he is very frightened...and hope that somehow he knows that I am listening because I love him the same...I have told him many times...

I had a long chat with his dad the other week he is beside himself too...we send money some times....I tell him it is to buy healthy food...we cannot contact him...he has his phone switched off ...we do not know his address...

he believes that he is well ...just stressed...so no ongoing treatment...

I try not to think too long about his situation ...I know that there must be so many other parents..family members...friends out there dealing with this yet there are no support groups...

am chasing up a carer support group at moment for mental health...will see where that leads...

previous group ...support workers were disorganised and useless...

keep yourself distracted if you can from triggers...you are doing very well..