A Poem? Maybe?

[kristin]

Well done @kato !

That's so good to hear. I'm pleased that both of you backed away from it escalating. This is a hard thing to learn. 

So glad that you have sorted it with them; and perhaps, from the sounds of it, strengthened the relationship in the process.

Take care of you my friend.

Kind regards, 

K

[SCORPION]

It is 3.30 am and cant"dont want to sleep as nightmare again !

Not really a poem but a short story

I'm curled up in a pitched black room its cold and full of despair and desperation

I know this room there is a deep memory I cant quite grasp

In the middle there is a jigsaw that is partly done I know that I must complete

There is an urgency in me now I dont know why 

I have to finish this jigsaw to escape this room

I start its hard and slow as I can't really see as its cold and dark in this room

I find a piece yes it fits and another I keep going I dont know how long as in here there is no time just place

Suddenly I realized I can see a little and no so cold as I place each piece I gets brighter and warmer

Now I can see this jigsaws me

The room I built to keep the world out 

But there are many pieces missing destroyed what to do I panic and thow this puzzle apart

And now its dark and cold again and back at the start

I try again but then a quiet and calm voice we're here we can help not with the puzzle thats just for yourself

I feel reassured I am not at all alone others have been and tried and succeeded 

As I go I realize those missing bits are mine to remake if I want to escape

Im still here still at it I'm making new bits and sometimes they fit

As I go the room is brighter and just a little bit warmer

I make mistakes and have to go back but each time I try just a little bit easier

I have friends now that help show me a way

Its not like before alone and lost I see light and hope 

Without you all I thought I was lost.

Scorpion

[kato]

@SCORPION 

I found this post of yours, really touching and full of so much meaning, it has bought tears to my eyes reading it, I am glad that you have found some help from these forums to make you not feel alone, i know the journey is difficult, and we are all trying to find those pieces of ourselves we have lost.

Thank you very much for sharing,

I want to write more, but i don't have the words

[kristin]

Dear @SCORPION 

I whole-heartedly agree with @kato ! Thank you for sharing this, it is very beautiful. I too have tears in my eyes. Maybe this is the gift we have for each other - shining light and hope onto each other's puzzle making?

Hope does endure!

Kindest regards, 

Kristin

[kato]

The trials and tribulations of Kato esquire LOL

Well as i wrote somewhere thee other day, my psychiatrist had maybe some issues getting his letter through to my g.p which left my appointment with my g.p somewhat non eventful, So after that appointment i rang the psychiatrist office, he was not in but they sent him an email asking him to get in touch with me, which he did that night, i explained to him no letter came through, so he assured me he would send it on the saturday as he was in the clinic that day.

Fast forward to today, with me being stressed about no letter thus having no clear direction on the route to take. I call my G.P, to find out if she had recieved said letter.... No was the reply. Very annoyed at this point but remained calm, i again call the psychiatrists, explain to them what i need, the send another message to my psychiatrist, about 30mins later, the psychiatrist receptionist calls me and says they are faxing it through now, Awesome.

I call my G.P to make an appointment for tomorrow, and to confirm they have recieved the letter, which they had, so all is good.

I will now find out what path of treatment is going to be advised which is less stress for me, i am eager to keep moving forward.

I thought i would write this expierence, because i know how earth shattering it can be, when things don't go to plan, and feeling let down and the why should i bother chasing up.... yes it is difficult to do, but definately worth it, so if your expecting paperwork to be sent through or a phone call or anything that isn't going to plan sometimes you need to persevere and make the difficult phone calls, to make sure things go to plan as best as possible.

Wish me luck for tomorrow, i am trying not to get my expectations up too much, as i am sure it will probably be pretty much what i already know, but i am hoping for some more insight.

Thank you

[Alessandra1992]

Wishing you patience, persistence and perseverance @kato ! These qualities have brought you a long way already, so here's a far more practical gift.. A GIANT HUG!!! We are with you all the way..
Keep kicking those goals..you, my friend, so totally rock!!!

[kristin]

Hey @kato 

Well done keeping your cool and persevering until this got sorted. This is a great example of taking responsibility for things which impact your MH. You are the one most affected by whether the letter is where it needs to be, and even with caring professionals they can get side-tracked or make a mistake/forget. So hats off to you!

Kind regards, 

Kristin

[kato]

Thanks @Alessandra1992 and @kristin 

it took quite an effort to make those follow up calls and make sure the form went through.

So i had my appointment with my G.P today, It went well, confirmation from the psychiatrist i do have bi-polar LOL, so that has now been confirmed 3 times, which i am all ok with, i mean it will always be my little friend that i will have to remember to keep an eye on, but i am on the right track there, because of my depression, they want to do more questionaires regarding a personality disorder, which he stipulated i may have, not too sure which one, but possibly Borderline, again something i am prepared for sort of, from what i can gather he is leaning that way. Anxiety, is also something i need to work on. And my lovely meds are getting increased, another thing my G.P and i had previously spoken about. He also wants me to get drug and alcohol counselling........ which i think i will or better should do, to get in place to help so i don't fall back into that way of dealing with life. there wasn't a mention of a psychiatrist to try, but i am going to speak to my psychologist because i know he has also spoken with her regarding how to treat me.

Then i got home and just chilled, i find myself still feeling lost, i mean i know where i am headed, but i find myself dwelling on my mistakes in the past, the wrongs that i have done, and the fact that it seems like i have no friends, it still irks me, that i can't feel comfortable trying to catch up with them, well those who i know i can catch up with. I still haven't tried broaching the gap with quite a few friends.

i miss everything i had

[peace]

Hi @kato I wanna say thanks for offering to help me out with choosing a car. It has been a hard stressful 3 weeks since my beloved car was stolen. A nightmare yet somehow I have been able to cope. Mind you I would have liked to have done better. My car was found burnt out. 3 youngserts were caught. I have had similar challenges as you with so many phone calls to police, insurance and finance company. In the end it has cost me a few thousand and more than a few extra grey hairs, all of which I find kinda scary but I am currently choosing to laugh, must be loosing it.. I have been able to take out a new car loan and finding the 'right' car was hard but it is now done. A dark Mondeo. I feel like I am still grieving for my old Adventura, she was my friend but I hope in time I will come to love this one.
On subject of diagnosis 's, my psychiatrist is not 100% certain except for PTSD and thinks I just keep getting triggered. Its all such a slow process I find it frustrating especially cause I gotta keep it together so I can go to work. My meds were increased too and maybe changed if I continue to have episodes of the crushing fear.
I see clearer these days just how not like everyone else I am not. Even today signing my name was an embarrassment as I shook so much, every signature (around 😎 was different. So funny teally when I think about it, 8 different people bought that car hahaha.
Anyway thanks kato. Blessings to you. 

PS: I feel for you in your grieving over the past. Please be gentle with yourself as you are truly a caring & sensitive soul. Peace be within you ♡

[kato]

@peace 

Hello, well now the stress is over for you in finding a replacement car, which is good 🙂

Bloody youngsters up to good lol, i am proud of the way you have handled everything, you have great strength and spirit, i struggle with signatures also, my last job, in the car industry i would have to sign off on a lot of things, i came up with a squiggle for my work signature, it was easier, and then i caught myself out at the bank the other day doing my squiggle, had to apologise and explain that i am who i am, it was a work signature, the teller had a good laugh, so it was good.

I am really glad that your psychiatrist is keeping an open mind about possiblities in treatment and wellness, i went to centrelink today, to re-apply for disability, i find myself really struggling to even contemplate working at the moment, my stress levels sky rocket, and i get all twitchy, my psychologist has recommended it for the meantime so i can focus on getting on top of everything. to be honest i don't want to be on centrelink, but i find myself struggling to do some of the simplist things.

Mondeo;s are nice cars, i am sure with some time you will love him/her - cars are always in my opinion a him or her, my car is my baby, and i try and treat her nice LOL

i know in time it will be easier, and i will be able to deal with what has happened, but i try and be gentle on myself, but it is sometimes so darn hard, with the thoughts and memories.

thank you peace